OLE MISS'S ENTIRE SEASON SUMMED UP IN ONE MINUTE.
SOON TO BE STILL-UNDEFEATED GREG MCELROY IS STILL SORE FROM THE ARKANSAS GAME. His upper leg, to be precise, just in case you're in the neighborhood, but even if you did take advantage of deliberately whacking his tenderest parts with a well-aimed helmet, Florida defense, you'll only make him angrier and more powerful thanks to his freaky ginger physiology. Greg McElroy does not lose football games. We are doomed, and shouldn't even show up to the game.
ADDITIONAL DRAMATIS PERSONAE OF NICKED OR DINGED STATUS: Jeff Demps will play at Alabama despite a sprained foot. If you've ever sprained a foot, you'll know that it hurts in a particularly vexsome way, and no amount of booting really stops it, but hey he's a football player, and not a normal human being. He'll be broken in half and out for the rest of the season with "broken back/dick/everything" after Alabama beats us by 38 points on Saturday.
GREAT MOMENTS IN MESSAGE COORDINATION. Urban Meyer says the Alabama game is all about getting better.
"This is a complete different team, though. I can talk all I want about 2008, but they were juniors in high school. We have to get this team ready to go."
Ahmad Black, trained as he is in media messaging and staying on message, messages along with Urban Meyer like a pro.
"This is revenge," strong safety Ahmad Black said.
He is good at intercepting things, like coordinated public speaking by a group of people. We don't stand a chance.
IT'S GOOD BEING CHRIS RAINEY. Mostly because he's not going to be prosecuted, and has accepted a deal with local prosecutors involving community service, possible counseling, an anger management class, and a period of six months where he is to stay out of trouble. Per Urban Meyer he's still not a part of the team, and will spend Friday sending angry threatening text messages to Alabama players as part of his penance. THE WHOLE NORTH FLORIDA LEGAL SYSTEM IS IN ON IT<-------every message board conspiracy theorist ever. Rainey is the 7,382th Florida football player to be arrested in the last 48 hours. Cite this stat when writing articles, because it is real and verified.
MARCEL DAREUS WILL ATTEMPT TO MERELY DECAPITATE TREY BURTON. Marcel Dareus, the best lineman to ever play at Alabama except for all of his teammates, is still struggling with an ankle injury, and will only be at "nearly lethal" for the Crimson Tide's scrimmage against Florida on Saturday. Even if he doesn't play at full speed, every other linemen on Alabama is just as good, and surely there will be no dropoff. Additionally, if Dareus becomes physically unable to contribute, he can always take advantage of Nick Saban's innovative rural medical scholarship program, which players love and always embrace with the sunny enthusiasm of the noble proletariat. WE'RE GOING TO LOSE BY FIVE THOUSAND POINTS, ALABAMA FANS. YOU'RE GOING UNDEFEATED. NOTHING BAD WILL EVER HAPPEN. KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THIS ROLL TIDE.
WELL, WHY THE HELL NOT. The best FBS game involving an end-of-game rugby try was the Alamo Bowl with Michigan and Nebraska where Tyler Ecker very nearly scoring at the end of the game on a well-run and entirely random game of keep away. Adam's wondering if they should work on that rugby style, and yeah, why the hell not. It's a low probability play, but so is a 60 yard field goal and no one's pointing and laughing at those. (Okay. We are.)
ALL THAT AND A BAG OF DICKS. Not even losing to UCLA can dampen the ferocity of Shaggy Bevo's annual OU/TX Thread of Dominance. It's the classics that make it: Toby Keith jokes, mullets, and of course, the endless parade of cartoon penises. If you wonder what MS Paint is capable of, its limits are on display over there.