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A HORSE CALLED GOLGOTHA I MEAN FOOTBALL WHATEVER.  Today's Metalsome rating is "off the fucking charts," also known as "Baroness Level Five." The scary man in the video? THAT'S JIM HARBAUGH IN A SPECIAL CAMEO.* 

TO TONIGHT'S FOX. As usual, South Carolina will take your hot and bothered self back to the hotel room for anticipated football action, fail to get it up, and then spend the rest of three drunken hours apologizing and saying how, "It used to work a lot better than this, I promise." As long as you know this is how it's going to go, you'll be fine with it, especially with the consideration of Weslye Saunders' likely and impending suspension for various NCAA and hotel-related foibles. Spurrier also plans on playing a true freshman Conor Shaw along with Garcia against a potentially game Southern Miss team. If you think this will be boring, you'll be wrong.

You're right about the ugliness, though, since the Gamecocks are the rest of college football's slightly popular but horrible observational comic hired to make the headliners look good on opening weekend. IT'S STILL FOOTBALL MY GOD FOOTBALL. 

NOW PLAYING FOR NORTH CAROLINA, NO ONE. Joe Schad threw out sixteen as the number of players UNC could miss in Saturday's game against LSU, though the exact number remains to be seen and could be 1.6 as far as the rest of us know. If LSU manages to lose this game despite facing a UNC team functioning with one leg, one eye, and half a brain, Les Miles should just walk out of the building and into the middle of Marietta Street to play Headbutt Poker with oncoming traffic. He won't, but that's just what he should do if the unthinkable becomes the unbearable. We'd also advise LSU fans to drink heavily to cope, but redundancy man says that is redundant is redundant. 

Roy Williams is steadfastly supporting Butch Davis is busy distancing the basketball program from any of this business and kind of hoping the football program goes back to John Bunting status. 

OH AND LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS FOR THE LAST TIME. Alleluia, the Ohio State/Michigan game will remain in the final week of the season, meaning you could get that exciting back-to-back arrangement if/when they manage to face each other from separate divisions in the Big Ten championship game. Since actual football has arrived, we're through talking about this because fuck the bureaucrats it's time to kill. 

YOU CLEVER BITCHES. Don't make us love you, Wall Street Journal.

BLOWIN' SMOKE! IMPREGNATIN' TURKEYS! We know how you feel, Robbie Caldwell. We really, really do.  

*It's not.