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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 9/16/2010

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WESLYE SAUNDERS, PLEASE CHECK OUT BY NOON. He's done at South Carolina, a casualty of the NCAA's continuing focus on agent contact and the Fontainebleu/UNC/Marvin Austin case in particular. That case got even weirder with the arrest of Chris Hawkins, the guy who bought AJ Green's jersey off EBay, for cocaine trafficking. Excuse us: we should say "savory Thai sauce spicy cocaine trafficking." 

After Hawkins refused to allow officers to search the contents of the moving truck, a drug-detecting dog indicated drugs were in the back of the box truck. According to the police report, officers discovered a paper sack containing a baseball-sized amount of base cocaine, which weighed about three ounces and was covered in peanut butter and pepper.

"We'll see how smart you are when the K-9 comes" is hereby answered: not very. The really odd detail in Schlabach's story: Hawkins was moving furniture in a U-Haul rented by his roommate, UNC footballer and current Steeler Willie Parker. The furniture was purchased from a penthouse at the Fontainebleu. The details are so close to connecting in a grandiose way that we only assume that Schlabach and the NCAA investigators involved will be slipped a mickey or hit with a sock full of pennies in a matter of seconds at this point in the plot. 

SHOCKING NEWS: Through two games, Florida's actually been just fine on short yardage. It's first and DERP we've struggled with, most particularly in fumbles, bad snaps, and unproductive plays. 

STILL SPITTING BLOOD. The longer TCU stays in the top ten, the happier we are since spitting blood jokes never get old and allow for the potential of "Raining Blood," one of the greatest songs every written, to be played after each Horned Frog TD. 

THEY TOAST CHAMPAGNE AT THE END OF EACH GAME AND EVERYTHING ALWAYS TURNS OUT ALL RIGHT. Dana Holgorsen, Oklahoma State's offensive coordinator and man with horrible taste in television, calls freshman Cowboys quarterback Johnny Deaton "Johnny Drama," meaning he will always be a bit player and may be susceptible to the wiles of strippers. (Who isn't?) It also means that Holgorsen hates himself because that is the only reason you'd watch Entourage besides hoping to see the unshorn ladyparts of Sasha Grey. 

EAST CAROLINA IS NOT A GIMME BUT VIRGINIA TECH KIND OF STARTED THAT MEME AFTER ALL. It's bad when East Carolina is a must have game, but yo, that's kind of where you're at right now, Virginia Tech. "Hello, darlin'. Nice to see you. It's been a long tiiiiiiiime..." <----sung to whiskey bottle by Virginia Tech fan who has not, in fact, waited a long time in between present moment and this encounter with whiskey. 

SO YOU'RE SAYING YOU'LL BE ONE OF THEM IF WE GIVE YOU A CONTRACT EXTENSION: 

"We don’t ever come out of a game and go, ‘Oh my gosh we’re awful,’" Hawkins said. "Or we don’t come out of a game going, ‘We’re just unbelievable; we’re spectacular.’"

That's Dan Hawkins after their 52-7 loss to Cal, which he refuses to describe as awful. He might if you give him a contract extension, but not until then. Journalists, you fail by not asking him if "pisspoor," "eye-gouging shittacular," "the Sanskrit root word of bad that encompassed all possible definitions of bad,' or "shitty" applied. 

PUT ALL OF YOUR MONEY ON CLEMSON TO WIN. There are certain universals in this world. Bet Tommy Tuberville to cover when playing unranked versus a ranked team at night, and do not expect how to account for all the points scored without touchdowns or field goals. Never, ever bet on a team to cover in Hawaii, because tropical drinks and the garbage storms in their stadium tend to befuddle even the best teams. Finally, if a team announces the debut of special uniforms for the occasion, they will not cover and may indeed completely lose the game. With that, remember: place all of your money on Clemson, because Auburn is likely trotting out blue helmets and unis for the game Saturday night. (Even if CAM NEWTON TOUCHDOWN happens in Tecmo 8-bit glory.

NEW CINCY BLOG OMG: Just in time for tonight's Cincy/NC State game we have a new Cincy blog. WOOO SKYLINE CHILI AND RACISM JOKES. 

JUST SET 'EM UP AND HE'LL KNOCK THEM DOWN, AND THEN FALL FACEFIRST INTO THE GUTTER FOR YOU. Bill Byrne and Scipio Tex: long may their cooperative literary relationship flourish. We cannot emphasize enough how funny the running gags about bat infestations at Kyle Field have become to us. 

IT'S A WONDER YOU DIDN"T BURST INTO FLAME. Practice at Northwestern was a whopping 82 degrees with 70 percent humidity, conditions Floridians call "eight in the morning." Jesus, you people are pussies. 

/pulls down survival suit for impending fifty degree days. 

COME DICK AROUND IN AN EXOTIC PLACE. Thankfully, colleges have continued to invest in important dick-around programs despite the recession.