ALL HAIL FALL PRACTICE. Behold actual footage of Trooper Taylor doing something other than waving a towel over his head, because Auburn--like a hundred other schools across the country--has started fall practice.
Man, that looks...hot. And uncomfortable. Of all the times to be an athlete, practice has to be the worst: heat, tedium, coaches nattering in your ear about minute details you suspect might not even exist, the lingering anxiety that the new guy two slots down in the depth chart behind you is coming up, and of course the pleasure of acquiring your first bout of jock itch from the nastiness of men piling on top of you all day. (<---came out way gayer than we thought it was going to.) (FABULOUS.)
Embracing the suck today: Florida, Alabama, Oklahoma, Penn State, Florida State, Georgia Tech, Miami, LSU, Arkansas, and TCU. It will be hotter than the surface of the sun in all of these places, and for the only time in your life you will thank the heavens you were not born with a 4.4 40 yard dash and great hands.
IT REALLY WOULD BE NICE TO GIVE YOU INFORMATION ON FLORIDA PRACTICES. However, Herr Meyer has closed ze practices to the public because the Florida offense will be installing the wishbone on offense and the 4-6 on defense, and you'll just have to deal with it. This may not be such a huge loss, as full access to practices tends to get you the "YAY OPTIMISM OPTIMISM OPTIMISM" hollow fluffiness Jimbo Fisher specializes in, and because you can just make things up as you like. (Like, for instance, suggesting Florida is installing the wishbone and the 4-6. Which is totally happening.)
WE NEED A NICKNAME. John Brantley clearly needs a nickname, since it's his era and all and we're not even sure what we're going to call him (his name certainly won't do, as it's the moniker of an insurance salesman or district selectman, not a quarterback.) Whatever his name turns out to be, he will be able to process information faster than Tebow, something most astute Florida fans would have happily told you after 2008, much less after the stuttering 2009 campaign in the passing game by Tebow. He won't be able to take a direct shot from an Eric Berry type and not die, but there's tradeoffs in life and you have to deal with them. In other news: MARVEL AT A QB WHO WILL THROW THE BALL AWAY, FLORIDA FANS.
WELCOME BACK. The NCAA does a return lap around UNC in their ongoing agent investigation. At this point we're hoping for purely selfish reasons that Marvin Austin isn't declared ineligible before the UNC/LSU game, since we will be in attendance and therefore want to watch him play. The NCAA makes all their decisions based on our selfish personal demands, and will therefore not act before then according to a source close to the situation.*
20 IN A ROW! GO FOR THE GOLD! Western Kentucky has the most impressive streak in the country right now: 20 losses in a row and counting, which they richly deserve after their bizarre firing of David Elson, who dared to lose every game in the school's first year in D-1 play. (Okay, FBS, you pissants.)
FOOTBALL GEEKERY ON TAP: Smart Football has Nick Saban breaking down Texas, which is damn hard to hear but certainly looks cool.
*Dr. Peter Jooorbut, Institute of Pulled-From-Our-Ass Studies. The J is pronounced as a "y."