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Pardon us. Sometimes there's a level of excitement only Andrew WK can properly express. 

CHOOSE YOUR CONSPIRATORS CAREFULLY. "The Project," the cunning and not-at-all obvious nickname for the failed WAC expansion plot that fizzled when Fresno State and Nevada bolted for the Mountain West, shows a few core lessons for your Management Bullshit 101 class. (Capitalized since at EDSBS University, that is the name of the course.) Choose your conspirators carefully, lest they desert you mid-heist. Have a quality backup plan, so one is not forced to say, "Hey, Montana, how about a free membership in the WAC and yes it does come with a Mustard of the Month Club membership at no extra cost."  

Most importantly, pick an actual cool name for your project for world domination, and not "The Project." "Operation Northwoods" wouldn't have sounded half as cool with the name "The Plan." The real reason you failed, WAC geniuses, was lack of style. Everything else was incidental. 

Meanwhile, BYU is still looking for football independence. This makes sense as long as the Mountain's TV reach continues to include seven towns in Colorado not named Denver and, oddly enough, a rogue Mountain West following via pirate satellite feed in Vanuatu. (Polynesian linemen: get them where you may.) 

LIKE THE BENGALS UNIFORMS REDESIGNED BY A MAD 1982 RUSSIAN SUPERCOMPUTER.  Virginia Tech's Pro Combat uniforms should come with the Tetris theme playing behind them, which means they are blocky, retro-digital, and ugly just like Brian Stinespring's offensive plans. 

MARVIN AUSTIN SPEAKS. Or "facebooks," actually, essentially saying he thought he was doing the right thing by schmoozing with an agent before he graduated, and then blaming the resulting uproar on haters. PRO TIP: If you blame "haters" for anything, you are completely to blame for whatever happened every time.  

OUT OF RETIREMENT, CAUSE: RAGE: The MZone rushes out of retirement to vent their fury about the Ohio State/Michigan game's possible move to mid-season, which we still think should have been obvious to anyone the minute the conference championship game was approved because hey this is the 21st century, and conferences are here to make money mostly from inserting painful objects on prop bets into you the fan's rectum, and one of the most lucrative of those is a conference championship game with evenly balanced divisions. 

Now, a step too far is floating the idea that non-division Big Ten games won't even count, which all the expected rudeness of the standard Conference sodomy without the courtesy of the reach-around. That borders Daniel Snyder territory, and that is a step too far for even our reptilian selves. 

BO PELINI IS A BITCH, HE'S A LOVER. The Big Ten will probably suit Bo Pelini's demeanor just fine given the current mood (shitty, overcast, dyspeptic, and like Pelini, very well-paid.) 

HE'S REALLY NOT BAD, SAYS OUR EXTENSIVE NCAA EXPERIENCE. Logan Kilgore isn't Dwight Dasher, but as long as the difficulty on the game is set on All-American, he'll be fine against Minnesota since he's perfectly serviceable in our NCAA games with the MTSU dynasty. (And if Tim Brewster is coaching, the difficulty will be on All-American at best.) 

YOUR LIVER IS LIKE YOUR HEART IT NEEDS WORK AND NEEDS IT NOW. Don't bother abstaining this fall. it's bad for you, and will shorten your lifespan. That's a very selective and dishonest way to read that data, but so is living life without a cocktail or ten, so THERE MR. STATSPANTS.