clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:


For maximum effect, this should play in the background of this post.


Oregon State, you just can't stop being your brilliant selves. You make your own fun in Corvallis, a relatively isolated environment that has pushed Oregon State football players to the edge of what we may consider possible in off-the-field diversion. We have seen gay sheep who later decided they were into ewes stolen by defensive linemen. We have seen safeties singlehandedly demolish bus stops. We have seen drunk Beavers on golf carts. We have seen drunk Beavers in boats.

Yet we have not seen the best from Oregon State's Academy of Fun Manufacture...until today

According to information from the Corvallis Police Department, at about 4:51 a.m., police were called to 519 N.W. 14th Street after a 32-year-old woman reported there was a naked man in the upstairs office of her residence.

[CUE CREEPY VOICE OF ROBERT STACK. Cover camera in gauzy, sinister filter]

When officers arrived, they ordered him to get on the ground several times, but he refused.

[Show creepy neon-lit bedroom, Z-rank actor naked from behind gesturing angrily at policemen. Woman with crimped hair cringes behind them.Stack: HE REFUSED TO COOPERATE FOR UNKNOWN, POSSIBLY SINISTER REASONS.]

Then Thomas, who had reportedly been drinking, got into a "three-point stance" and lunged at the officers, who Tased him. Thomas was booked into Benton County Jail but was released later the same day.

[Stack: HIS WHEREABOUTS ARE CURRENTLY UNKNOWN. Show creepy shot of the woods, naked man walking through forest, and show horrible, menacing sketch of suspect.] 

We're not even going to worry about Fulmer Cup points for the moment. Sometimes, quantifying something cheapens it. Attaching a number to getting tased naked after pass rushing the Corvallis police in a strange apartment is one of those moments. Just appreciate the grandeur of the moment here, and the skill of an artiste at work in his finest medium.