The following is a paid advertisement for the University of Tennessee Athletic Department.
KNOXVILLE---The University of Tennessee announced today that it would provide much needed economic assistance to recession stricken areas of the United States as part of "overall brand-building efforts designed at enhancing the University of Tennessee's national profile."
According to University of Tennessee athletic director Mike Hamilton, financial relief will be directed through the Tennessee football program in the form of payments made to the University of North Carolina and the University of Buffalo, schools located in two of the states hit hardest by the recession.
By removing the University of North Carolina from our football schedule for 2010 and paying them a sizable sum to do so, we will be providing crucial financial assistance in the form of capital which will then trickle down into the Chapel HIll economy," said Mike Hamilton today in a conference call.
The plan does not stop there, however.
"The second step of the plan is to funnel additional badly needed help to the Buffalo area by paying their football team to play ours in Knoxville. This subsidy will effectively double the per capita incomes of those in the Buffalo area, and I did not just make that statistic up off the top of my head."
Hamilton insisted the move had little to do with Tennessee's declining fortunes as a football team.
"At Tennessee we certainly appreciate the difficulties we've had in recent years on the football field. However, I would like to remind you that even with the enaction of what we're calling our 'Vol-For-All Cash Money Assistance' program, we do not shy away from difficult schedules no matter the circumstances."
The program is not a unique one in the SEC, Hamilton said, but it would be special thanks to its execution and timing.
"Auburn, Florida, and Alabama have been subsidizing the coastal Carolinas, rural Louisiana, and other impoverished portions of the nation through their payments to small liberal arts colleges with hopeless football teams for years now. What we're doing isn't that different, but we hope it will be like all things we do here at Tennessee. We hope it's done with our custom down-home touch."
"If we're here to do anything, it's to pay out millions of dollars randomly hoping something good happens."
This has been a paid advertisement for the University of Tennessee Athletic Department.
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