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STEVE SPURRIER CAN STILL BUST OUT THE QUOTIN' STICK

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Every now and then we'll get nostalgic while calling our plays in NCAA 2011. The lights will go dim, the disco ball will spin, and the shitstained chords of Dishwalla's "Counting Blue Cars" will waft through the air. We get misty for the mid-90s, and then strangle whomever put that song on, because its sucks a thousand malort-flavored dicks all at once. 

Then, after we've killed the man who put that song on, we go to four wide formation and call curl-flat, the Spurrier mainstay that helped baffle defenses through the mid-90s. Usually we throw a pick, or sometimes just for modern verisimilitude we pretend we're Steven Garcia, roll our quarterback out in a hopeless scramble, and then barrel into a linebacker without even trying to juke. 

The man used to give defensive coordinators vertigo and reporters stacks of red meat for lively, tasty copy. He's lost the former, but fortunately not the latter. Yahoo published an article yesterday detailing the links between UNC assistant John Blake, the coach you may last remember turning Oklahoma into the rat-infested lean-to Bob Stoops leveled in order to build the Sooners' swanky new digs. Blake has ties with Pro Tect Management and an agent named Gary Wichard, who represents Kentwan Balmer, who trained with Marvin Austin in Miami, the scene of the Great Tainting of 2009-2010, etcetera, etcetera.

 Spurrier was asked about it, and...oh yes...cue the mid-90s nostalgia. 

"I guess what I would say is that article's not very surprising...We all have a reputation, at least the guys who've coached 20 or so years. It's hard to hide whatever your reputation is."

You can almost feel the cut-rate Ecstasy tightening your jaw muscles, so 1996 is that. We've got to go watch some Aeon Flux, put on a pair of PVC pants, and go look at blurry Japanese pornography on a dial-up modem just to complete the scene here. If you only added grinding poverty and a half-finished novel about cyborg football players in a dystopian Japanese-dominated future on the desk it would be perfect.