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Come on, sober!
Come on, sober!

In an effort to keep up with the 2005 retro vibe we've got going on today with a massive Tennessee arrest, Iowa has to go and just get a DUI for attention's sake. OH LET'S ALL JUST LOOK AT IOWA NOW. 

Broderick Binns should be a1930s movie mogul with a name like his, forever putting his moniker in lights over revues with names like "Leggy Ladies Of Lisbon!" and "Fenstera Phillips Aquatic Babies Review Featuring "Oh My Darling Tadpole" and "This Pool Is Dago-Free, Missy" By Irving Berlin." Misplaced in time as he is, Binns instead is a defensive end at Iowa, and was mourning his chronically misplaced movie moguldom by having a few drinks at a local bar. 

He then got in a car, demonstrated some artistic driving, and was pulled over by a local critic who decried his use of the left turn lane as a straight-through lane as "too deliberately, even clumsily ironic" and cited him for suspicion of drunken driving and poor use of a vehicle in a performance piece. Worse for the underage young man: he blew a .101, just over the legal limit of .08, meaning he thought he might have a chance at beating it. 

This is why breathalyzers shouldn't be cold, unfeeling, unfestive machines. Ideally, they would be contained in the trunk of the squad car with a big "Cliffhangers"-style ste up where you blew in the tube, and the little yodeling man goes merrily up the acclivity until he hits .08 and falls off the edge. If you really get it in the Bob Huggins range he bursts into flame and rockets out into traffic, because you have to add some levity to the situation. 

Two points for garden variety DUI for Iowa in the Fulmer Cup are hereby awarded.