Meyer has this odd way of appearing Saban-twee on television, but he's actually quite gangly, and he took the stage for what amounts to Media Days' primetime slot appearing as composed and jaunty as any human-shark hybrid could reasonably hope to project. He also set the land-speed record for blowing through his intro and into the interview. It's perhaps best not to describe his palpable disgust when the first question concerned his non-retirement. (Answer, paraphrased: "SIDDOWN YOU DON'T KNOW ME.") The mic has been knocked out of kilter at this point, and straining to hear him means staring a lot at those flat shark eyes, which is a less-than-pleasant sensation at best.
• Clay gets the first substantive question, asking about the difficulty of identifying and dealing with agent intermediaries; Urbz responds simply, "You can't."
• On agent consequences versus consequences for ineligible players: "The other end of that has to be severely punished as well." More: "It's an epidemic right now. And I think it's always been there."
• On the ineligible elephant in the room: "I heard his denial today, and we stand by Maurkice Pouncey."
• WE HAVE THE FAINTEST WHISPER OF A SMILE! it's a thin one, but it comes when asked about last year's relationship with Tennessee and the value of having a good relationship with a rival school, which makes it just delicious. "No question there's a value. On gameday, it's a whole different animal." [winky emoticon implied]
• On Dooley, with the ghost of a smirk: "He's a high-character guy. It's kinda neat to see that."
• Somehow uttered without howls of derisive laughter: "We play Miami of Ohio and South Florida in Week Two. That's our focus right now."
• When asked about parity, he goes straight to Stephen Garcia as an example of improvement in the SEC East, totally validating my utterly crackers preseason poll pick of the Gamecocks to win the division in '10. Or just to needle Spurrier. Either works for us.
• On Frankie Hammond: "[He's] off scholarship, and if he wants to work his way back he'll have to pay his own way and miss playing time. ... As of now, he's not on the football team ... and we'll see how he shows up."
• Asked whether the great coaching rivalries are a thing of the past: "I can only speak to the ones here, I think they're out of control ... I think that's what makes it a great game."
• Claybro gets real, actual laughter from the room and from Urbz himself** with a plea to tell us where he was and how he reacted when he heard about the sanctions at USC. "I'll let the commissioner handle that."
**Seriously, we saw Urban Meyer's teeth. We have never been so frightened.