The goriest offseason in recent history is lurching to its bloody end: spot resignations, NCAA probes, brisk Fulmer Cup traffic, USC getting the banhammer from the NCAA, random horrible accidental deaths, unresignations, and the protracted potential realignment of college football itself that ate up an entire month and a half of otherwise peaceful offseason, the Leavitt and Leach lawsuits for wrongful firing, Seantrel Henderson's odyssey across the continent to escape both his letter of intent and the state of Minnesota, the Michigan investigation, Notre Dame's escapades with the Indiana Excise Police, the SEC Sportsman of the Year whipping a guy's ass for keying his car...Chinese curses about "interesting times" don't cover the mayhem of this offseason, one that has exceed the limit of HAM more times than we care to recall.
Explanations fail the logical, so we're left with only one originally offered up by ESPN's Mark Schlabach on Twitter during the realignment panic: The Curse Of The Mangino.
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The dismissal of the Velvet Fog can be the only reason: since December 3rd, 2009, the date of Mangino's resignation, the landscape of college football has been rent asunder like a large pizza torn into shreds by hungry hands, its pieces devoured by the starving maw of Mother Chaos. We can only assume that after his firing the Waddling Warlock drew a pentagram on the floor of his meditation cave, lit some candles, killed a goat, and then arranged the entrails in the shape calling forth the demons who have wrought havoc on our fair sport.
We recommend an immediate hiring or offering, since this will continue until the man is appeased. He's like a freaking Maenad, but for food and seventy point offensive tallies against Bill Callahan.