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ESPN AND CBS ANNOUNCE EARLY GAME TIMES. TREMBLE WITH EXCITEMENT

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What a man should wake up looking like.
What a man should wake up looking like.

ACTUAL GAME TIMES ACTUAL GAME TIMES OMG--

/hyperventilates

CBS and ESPN released actual game times today. This is a big deal because we have to make five days of meals from this one skinny chicken called the offseason, and by damn we're going to do it.  The times are all over the place, but contained neatly in (of all places) the LSUFootball.net site, which has a complete list of all games and times as they're posted. 

Of particular titanic anticipated awesome: the lineup for September 11th: 

Georgia at South Carolina, 11 a.m. (ESPN or ESPN2)
Penn State at Alabama, 6 p.m. (ESPN)
Oregon at Tennessee, 6 p.m. (ESPN2)

OH JUST LOOK AT THAT MAJESTY. There is a meridian marking optimal performance for football players between 18-22, and it runs somewhere between 3:30 and 8:00 p.m. On either side of that lies the potential for performances several standard deviations away from normal, meaning Georgia should be terrified of an early matchup in Columbia against the Gamecocks, especially as they break in a new defense on the road against Stephen Garcia and the invisible floating Matthew McConaughey that lives on his shoulder. 

The night games that evening look like a split decision for the SEC, too. Penn State at Alabama is so fucking old school we might shave the hair on the sides of our head, slick back the rest with pomade, put on a crisply ironed white shirt with Sansabelt pants, and go buy some Schaefer's beer in a can to sip as we smoke two packs of Lucky Strikes. The television might have to be retro-engineered, too, just so we can watch it in black and white while we pay a local actor to narrate the entire thing in Keith Jackson's voice.

The evening concludes with a midnight mowing our lawn with a manual mower because dammit, the hippies can't win if you keep that fescue in check and a stout pair of god-fearing hornrims on the bridge of your slightly broken nose. 

(A still more complete list is available at ESPN itself.