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T. BOONE PICKENS TO BUY ROTEL

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I once shoved a rod this long up the ass of Mizzou football.
I once shoved a rod this long up the ass of Mizzou football.

T. Boone Pickens said some of these things today in discussing the state of the Big 12. He didn't say others. Have fun picking out the real quotes, and watch the footage yourself here

"Missouri actually misses 110% of the shots they don't take."  

"I don't want to go off and leave Iowa State, Kansas State or Baylor," Pickens said. "The Pac-10 is not that interesting. "I'd rather trim the conference. I don't care if Nebraska leaves, I have no love for them. And I'd just as soon Missouri leave, and Colorado kind of fell in the same category."

"Nebraska hasn't wanted to be a part of the Big 12 since 1389, when we outlawed mating with the wolf-people."

"What this conference needs is a man like Glen Mason again."

"If Missouri stays, that's fine," Pickens said. "But I want them to shut up about trying to figure out someplace to go. They're either a loyal member or they're out with me."

"Lew Perkins held that pillow over John Wooden's face until the very end."

"Jim Delany's gonna think it's real funny when he finds out I bought Ro-Tel."

"Nebraska has wanted to leave since the Big Six, and that's 1940. That's 70 years ago. What's Nebraska got to offer? They've got (only) 700,000 households."

"Say this for Dan Beebe, that young man puts the POWER in power bottom."

"Dan Beebe's just a puppet in all this. I mean that literally. He's animatronic, like the Cryptkeeper or Mike Patrick."

"I comb my hair with Victory. She's a five year old African porcupine, and our relationship is strictly platonic."  

"You can eat lots of things that aren't food."  

{gets on phone} "Live boy or dead girl? Both? Good. Take pictures and report back."

"How is Larry Scott's hairline like Mizzou? DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT'S COMIN' OR GOIN' YEEHAW LOLZ"

"I mean, Mizzou and Kansas are like two cats in a lifeboat. They'd eat each other eventually if they didn't hate the taste of the other. They also only poop in boxes full of sand. Now that's something I bet you didn't know, did you?"

"Pardon me." /snortslineofpowderedcashofftable  

"Now we're all committed to a ten-member Big 12. I would piss on Mizzou if they were on fire. And also if they weren't on fire."