I PREDICT A RIOT....OF STAYIN' PUT AND GETTIN' PAID.
Everyone's staying put! Everyone's leaving! EVERYONE IS JUST BLINDLY GUESSING AND GETTING CONTRADICTORY REPORTS! This morning the epicenter of the ongoing roaming earthquake shaking up college football is located somewhere underneath Texas, where Dan Beebe is making up huge television numbers he is running by his secretary.
"17 million? Is that a big number? I DON'T KNOW JUST TELL ME! How bout a billion? No? It sounds bigger because it has a 'B" in front of it, but is that more money? Dammit I glued my fingers to the table again. Bring the speakerphone over here. I'll operate it with my nose. OW MY NOSE NO ONE TOLD ME THE SPEAKERPHONE WOULD MAKE MY NOSE ALL HURT-Y--"
It goes to show you that in complex situations with diverse interests and multiple parties with fractious relations, inertia usually wins.
FOR REFERENCE: Go here and see our handy guide to possible scenarios. It is by no means a totally complete presentation of scenarios, but it does include this handy representation of the way most people see conference expansion right now:
Texas A&M to the Mexican League is probably our favorite move here, though the Entire Big East to the Big 12 is nice as well. Further puzzles of expansion are listed here.
A FUN CONSPIRACY THEORY OH WHY NOT: Texas has gamed this brilliantly, because if Texas A&M secedes and joins the SEC (which still seems like an odd, unlikely scenario) then the Longhorns bear no fault for the collapse of the Big 12. The Aggies did it, they broke up the band, and the flight into the patchouli-scented arms of the Pac-10 is not their fault. They had to do it after being so ruthlessly abandoned. As for A&M, their entry would force some nasty realignment in the SEC. Can you say "Alabama in the SEC East?" We can, though blood shoots out of our ass when we speak the words.
T-SHIRTS TO KEEP FOR HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE: We'll take one in extra large, since if the conference is going 70s Big we'll double down on the squats and milk to keep pace:
DURR WHY HAVEN'T YOU MENTIONED FLORIDA GETTIN IN TROUBLE--- Because we've been attempting to keep our head above water, but yes, two open bottles of Crown Royal and a car party with Invisible Carlos Dunlap will get you some serious points. The points will be awarded in a Big Board update today.
ON A RELATED POINT: Jeremiah Masoli did as good a job of self-immolating his football self off the field as anyone in recent memory, surpassing the recorded feats of even former LSU and Jacksonville State qb Ryan Perrilloux (note: recorded, since we're convinced he was the Bo Crowder of Louisiana for at least three years.)
ANOTHER PIECE OF INSANE NEWS ON A WEEKEND OF OVERLOADED INSANE NEWS: Fred Smith of FedEx came this close to just saying "I'll suck your dick if you'll take Memphis into a major conference."
NEVER GRADUATE. Vince Young hasn't, baby.