URBAN MEYER'S MYSTERY AILMENT: ESOPHAGEAL SPASMS

Urban Meyer, speaking because he has to at the point of a gun held by Mike Slive, disclosed what was behind his health crisis in December: esophageal spasms brought on by heartburn, which is brought on by stress, which is brought on by being Urban Meyer. Science: it's easy once you've already had a medical crisis, thrown the whole program into complete upheaval, and spend ungodly amounts of money on lab tests to figure out what the problem is. 

The condition can cause heart attack-like symptoms like severe chest pain. These likely triggered panic attacks, and if you're all DURR HURR PUSSY MY CHEST HURTS FIVE TIMES A DAY AND I DON'T GO TO THE DOCTOR then good for you. Sprint outside a few times real fast on a hot day after hitting the Golden Corral and get back to us on the results and how calm you feel afterwards. 

Actually, like cancer, heart attacks are one of those things that share far, far more symptoms with other innocuous conditions than you really should feel comfortable with them sharing. We slept on a beanbag drunk once after a Florida game and landed as we usually do on a sleeping surface: face-down, one arm up across our face, and with a sudden and unstoppable impact. We were over the age of 22, and thus have no excuse for falling asleep on a giant beanbag. 

Spiralling pain started over the next three days down our left arm and up the neck and face from the shoulder. We ignored it because, well, we were stupid and telling ourselves the necessary lies of the moment. You're fine. Don't worry about it. That corkscrew pain radiating down your left arm is nothing. You'll ride it out like Chuck Norris pissing out a baseball-sized kidney stone he names "Columbia." Aces, boy. 

Turns out a nice young man from Michigan told us we had a beautiful EKG and a crap rotator cuff, an injury whose symptoms can mimic the nerve-jangling pain of a heart attack.  Point being: don't sleep on giant beanbags facedown, ever, and panic only to the appropriate amount when thinking you have a heart attack, using this easy rule: If you think you're having a heart attack and go to the doctor, you aren't, and if you think you're not having one, you're going to explode in a matter of seconds. 

FOR YOUR HEALTH!