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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 6/1/2010

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YOU HAD HIM IN YOUR GRASP, LES, AND YOU LET HIM GO. The mild, beach-y reign of terror Kenny Chesney has had over college football's calendar--forever insisting that this is your moment, and your time, and fuck you Chesney, we move on our OWN time, dammit--could have ended with a simple snap of the neck or chop to the throat. You're a Michigan man, Miles. We know that like all adherents of the Stodgy Empire of Gentlemanly Peninsular Tastes, you were instructed in the art of bartitsu by Sensei Schembechler, and can disarm a street rowdy with an umbrella while punching his counterpart in the throat with your copy of the Times. We know you're capable. 

If this is all true, you could have ended it, Monsieur Chapeau, and whiffed on the chance when you had it, failing college football. 

You've failed us all. (HT: ATVS

SOMETIMES, YOU TEACH A MAN TO FISH. And then some of them have trouble cleaning the fish, or getting the hook out, or sometimes the talk to the fish, thus getting three magic wishes, but one of them wishes for a million wishes, and then the fish wishing committee is called in to rule on whether this violates all fish-wishing rules, and then the fish wishing committee asking Michigan to censure itself for the violations, and now hasn't this story taken an ironic turn? (HT: Blutarsky

BEFORE IT GOES TOO FAR OVER THE HORIZON: It's slightly moldy cheese, but let it be noted that among Tennessee's 32 signees from the 2007 class, 17 never made it to the UT campus due to lack of qualifying. If there's evidence that Phil Fulmer's recruiting was slipping beyond the pale of acceptable, that's as damning a slice as you might need. Tennessee's always been a place that, like Rocky Top itself, doesn't grow its own food. When half of it goes bad in the wagon on the way up, you're talking some non-metaphorical starvation. 

THEY DO HAVE THE PSYCHOSIS NECESSARY TO FLOURISH IN OUR DISTINGUISHED COMPANY. Vince Dooley says A&M really, really wanted to join the SEC, but that politics scuttled the idea back during the first SEC expansion. (FIRST GET IT WE'RE PRESCIENT HERE.)  This will end with Mike Slive weeping on the edge of the bed in his undies while Mack Brown and Will Muschamp roll in a pile of dollars, because nothing in Texas politics comes without someone taking a cactus in the saddle. 

FURTHER STATS CONFIRMING WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW: BEING SMALL SUCKS AND IS EXPENSIVE. More research suggesting that the bigger the boat, athletically speaking, the less students actually pay for sports. Let's just Cato Institute the whole thing and suggest that what your school needs is more commitment to cash money sporting events, and that these should be funded with a market in live organ sales by students willing to part with kidneys. We kid, but students at Alabama would do the surgeries themselves if necessary to keep the statues sprouting at Bryant-Denny. (Ha, we kid. They're rolling in cash. Keep your filter-beans and GET A HAIRCUT YOU FAUX-HIPPIES WITH YOUR BANGS AND WHATNOT.) 

MMM GREAT MORE AUTOPLAY. ESPN's already getting its web presence eviscerated by Yahoo and nibbled away by Rivals and others in pieces, and selling out "aggressive, full-screen autoplay" ads for ESPN 3 only sends them further back into the 1997 AOLniverse they think the internet is in 2010. Next up: hosting Simmons on a Geocities page. (HT: Hutchins.)