FULMER CUPDATE: COLORADO PARTIES ARE DIFFERENT THAN YOURS

You remember all your important firsts: your first kiss (girl who later got pregnant by East St. Louis gang member,) your first speeding ticket (55 in a 35, thank you officer,) and the first real, horrible high school drinking experience you had. Our ride was Icehouse in a keg, the speed went to supersonically drunk in a heartbeat, and the next horrifying morning we wanted the men responsible shot. (But wanted to be nowhere near the loud, head-splitting gunshot.) 

They got away into the night with the twenty dollar surcharge per keg, but vengeful hungover teens of Colorado, fear not: some of those responsible for these small, usually enjoyable crimes are called before the law. Sometimes those men are Colorado football players, actually. 

Walk-on linebacker Brandon Gouin of the Buffs provided four kegs to high schoolers for a party this past weekend.High schoolers who evidently used it, and had the kind of party you thought only existed in teen caper movies from USA's Up All Night heyday. 

If you're 18ish and in the Boulder area: CALL TATIANA SHE SOUNDS FUN. 

One student, Tatiana Christofferson, 18, was arrested on suspicion of third-degree assault and released to her parents after deputies said she struck another girl twice and tried to push someone into one of several campfires, the Daily Camera reported.

Bitch, I will push you in a fire will now be our new favorite threat around here. For the class one misdemeanor Colorado would normally be awarded one point, but Tatiana's resulting gangstress behavior earns the Buffaloes two points in the Fulmer Cup. This ain't intramurals, after all.