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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/4/2010

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THIS HAD TO BE COMFORTABLE, CASUAL, AND FUN: From notorious goat-molesting University of Tennessee Athletic Director Mike Hamilton's Twitter account: 

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...AND THE MOST EROTIC NIGHT OF MY LIFE ENSUED, PENTHOUSE READERS. He usually doesn't do these things, but he just felt compelled to write into Forum and tell everyone about it. 

AND NO TAFFY FOR YOU, EITHER. For his DWI where he hit a parked car this past weekend, T-Bob Hebert has been suspended from the LSU football team until Les Miles determines he's made amends and put in enough time in the punishment box to rejoin the team. Given Les Miles' clock skills, this should take sometimes between 5 seconds and 738 years. (Les Miles, medieval warden: "Wot, dere's a soul in cell 5? Blimey, haven't fed that chap in days...[OPENS DUNGEON DOOR, SKELETON SITS PEACEFULLY LOOKING WITH EMPTY EYES AT DOOR.]) 

CONTRARY TO WHAT YOU MAY THINK: Nick Saban is on the record as saying he does not, in fact, like seeing people get shot. Here's the still-touching song inspired by those shootings. Enjoy it. Learn from it.

WE'RE NOT GIVING UP THE STICK NOW THAT WE HOLD IT. Alligator Army favors keeping Florida/ Florida State where it is, and as painful as this may seem when the world has reversed poles and the Seminoles are giving up the Sado- end of our S 'n M relationship in the future, the agony associated with losing this game late in the season is well worth keeping it in its current spot in light of the delightful payoff of winning it. As for Jimbo Fisher, it's not like he's actually the head coach there, right? We mean, who--NO WAY---

EXPANSION BULLSHIT: YOU CRAVE MORE. Any and all idle speculation about expansion will be prefaced here by the word "bullshit," even when it's quality bullshit like TSK's lengthy piece against mimicking the sort of expansion the Big Ten's eyeing. Without going on anything more than a stray thought spawned from reading this: does the notion of organizing the growth of a conference around eyeballs looking at advertising seem counter to the perpetual "AHHH ACADEMICS FIRST" finger-wagging Jim Delany is fond of tossing at other conferences? Every conference is a parliament of whores, and building your own brothel changes none of that. 

FIFTEEN PERCENT. HMM. In case you're wondering how many college football players actually use steroids, Mike Sellers has a number for you: fifteen percent. Finances likely curb some steroid use in college--they ain't cheap--but college football's decentralized testing standards likely allow for some serious 'roid abuse when the itch is there. Sellers mentions another reason steroid testing isn't widespread: on the whole, people (Sellers included) hate needles. We'd throw in another: steroid use requires planning, discipline, and research, the same hurdles people face on the road to becoming functioning alcoholics. (The unheralded organizational geniuses of our time, you know.)