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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/26/2010

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IN THE EDSBS FANTASY LEAGUE, WE CALL DIBS ON QB NAME "DAY-RUN SOUTHBOY." College football is an underexploited dramatic tableau. Outside of the unintentional comedy of The Program, the melodrama of Everybody's All-American, and the underrated eroticism of Necessary Roughness, our fair sport has appeared on the big screen as a narrative backdrop rarely and rarely in a significant manner. 

We write this excepting the one film capturing the drama of a young, talented star feeling the pressures of impending fame. The character is "Day-Run Southboy." The film is the immortal Black Spring Break. 

Music by DJ Spankx. THE DJ SPANKX. 

WHERE THERE IS CORRUPTION, THERE IS A TENTACLE HOLDING LSU TICKETS. Do not be shocked that among MMS inspectors' numerous foibles and possible derelictions of duty, therehappens to be a trip to the 2005 Peach Bowl lumped in there. Of all the things we could ever feel guilty about as a hypothetical corrupt official, a trip to a football game would be the one thing we would never, ever apologize for no matter how much public money was involved. I WENT AND IT WAS GLORIOUS AND YOU NEED ME ON THAT WALL AND THAT WALL IS MUCH MORE TOLERABLE WHEN I'M SITTING ON SWAG FROM A BOWL GAME, YOU BASTARDS. 

DESCRIBE YOURSELF, YOUNG MAN. Just another guy who only allows myself to be photographed through tires, sir. 

AU REVOIR, TUSKS. Nike looks like they're doing away with the little tusk-stripes on the Razorbacks' uniforms, probably a harbinger that the bear-claw marks on Cal's unis and other witty little cartoon nods are out for this year's round of uniform redos. They are giving Arkansas a black facemask, which kind of backfires and makes them look a little SWAC-ish instead of "GRR INTIMIDATING BLACK FACEMASK." Note: new uniform does not come with secondary or ability to defend the pass. 

TONGUE IS NOT IN CHEEK WE WERE SERIOUS. A Tennessee historian confronts a level of naked honesty he's never seen before. 

OLD CHEESE, BRAH. Some of us were pointing out universities' propensity for showing their high numbers of lab-captive young Asian chemists years ago, though this does lay out the territory well enough. The lack of mention of the "Go cure cancer" ad is troubling, however, since it's our favorite running gag in Gatordom, especially when an alumus we know is arrested for insider trading or moves back in with their parents after rehab. GO RUIN YOUR CREDIT RATING AND DEFAULT ON YOUR STUDENT LOANS.