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WE...ARE...MARSHARR'D SO DRUNK OMG. Oh, you have to be drunk to push a police officer. Really, really drunk. Yelling at a cop? Happens sober. Attempting to bribe a policeman? Better when sober, actually. Trying to coerce a policeman into trading sex for letting you off a ticket? Are they a sexy policeman? Are you Harvey Keitel in Bad Lieutenant? If so, have you noticed the hilarity of Darryl Strawberry playing well for the LA Dodgers? Is this a police person, or have you bene pulled over by a hot cop? If so, have they removed their pants yet? 

Is her name Ms. Officer? Should she call for backup? 

 Where were we...ah.  Yes. Like a cop car, the policeman probably went wee-uh-wee-uh-wee in some fashion in attempting to apprehend two Marshall football players fighting outside a bar in Huntington, West Virginia early Sunday morning. DeQuan Starling, who prefers the last name "Bembry," and T.J. Drakeford, who prefers the last name "Drakeford," were taken in after the following: 

Most of the crowd dispersed after police arrived, but two men stayed at the scene and began yelling at the officers, according to the report. One of the men pushed an officer in the chest, while the other verbally threatened the officer, according to the report. Bembry and Drakeford were taken into custody without further incident.

A strong intro move for a traditional reliable performer in the standings, and a tally. A total of four misdemeanor charges plus a Fightin' 'n Da Club (FNDC) bonus get Marshall a five point score in the Fulmer Cup. YOU. ARE. WELCOME. 

SLAPPY MCMORONGUY OFF UGA. Montez Robinson's murkily defined simple battery/domestic violence charge will be worth two points, since we assume domestic violence means slapping girls, and that's always a bonus point in the Fulmer Cup. We wish him the best of luck, and by that we mean we hope he's beaten senseless by a women's judo team.