BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN THERE. The AP video detailing the circumstances of Matt James, Notre Dame OL recruit who died in a fall on Friday night in Panama City, Florida is below. He was drunk, belligerent, and yelling at someone below, and leaned over the railing too far and fell. Commenting on anything but the circumstances of his death seems pointless, since his death was pointless, random, and tragic.
And if you do see anything written suggesting catch-nets on Gulf-side hotels, the evils of demon alcohol, or any other torturously extrapolated point from this horrible, random accident, please let us know so we can mail the writer a package full of dead fish and bad thoughts.
SPEAKING OF BAD WRITING. Kevin Scarbinsky's just putting out troll food by writing a "basketball beats the pants off football" column in an Alabama newspaper, and it will work, but let it be labeled troll food so the world can see the dim, heavy browed cartoon logo on the label. Take every assumed point you would muster against it and just scream "BOISE STATE" back at yourself in a mirror, and you've got the gist of why the slightly less arbitrary ending to the college basketball season invalidates the 53,492 reasons college football beats the shit out of hoops for entertainment value. It's like saying a boring twat's tidy death and well-written will makes them a better person than the bon vivant who died without so much as a scrap of paper reading "ALL TO WHORES."
MIKE GILLISLEE: Just watch him run. It's a spring practice in shorts, but the violence is apparent and delicious.
THAT'S OLD TESTAMENT RICHT. Montez Robinson, UGA linebacker, had nothing that we know to do with the "Bratwurst and Slapping" incident, but he needed nothing but his own powers to get the boot from Athens. It's his third arrest, this time for some domestic battery situation, putting him not in the "drunk primary" category of troubled college athlete, but instead in the "mean/indiscriminately slappy-punchy" category. Houston Nutt! Free linebacker! GIGGITY TRANSFER!
We anxiously await further details on the Bratwurst/ African American Richard incident. Points to be assessed for Robinson.
TEJAS EN LA PRIMAVERA. Garrett Gilbert looked fantastic in Texas' spring game, which he should have since almost everything else from here on out in his college career should unwind in reverse difficulty. This will explain why he will finish his career in the national title game against Sam Houston State, since by aging backwards he will reverse the normal course of opponents in difficulty. Oh, and Clipper Cooper is back, and he's fabulous as usual.
CAR CARE IS NO LONGER A CONCERN OF THEIRS. The "Charlotte Bowl" is looking for a new sponsor. SBNation, let's make some magic! And what's more magical than a pre-New Year's day bowl in CHARLOTTE!!!!
WHEN YOU THINK FUN THINK BILL SNYDER. The KSU football staff will be holding a football clinic for fans, which will begin at 5:30 a.m. with cold coffee, continue throughout the day without breaks for all but the most urgent bodily functions, and which will conclude at 1:30 in the morning. It'll be way less fun than when Ron Prince did it shirtless and spent most of the time demanding more barbecue and pec-oiling.
YOU'RE ALL SPECIAL TO ME. Auburn has four quarterbacks, and the problem is that they can all play! If this is true, we'll give Gus Malzahn a quadruple espresso enema. (He'd hate the process, but as a caffeine junkie he'd appreciate the aftereffects.)