[NAME REDACTED] is 56 today. A one and a two and a three...
Happy birthday...
...to you...
...Happy Birthday...
[PICTURE OF REX GROSSMAN RUNNING THE GODDAMN OPTION]
...to you...
...Happy Birthday...
...dear OMG IF THERE'S ANY JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD YOU'LL BE FED TO SHARKS AND SURE YOU MIGHT WANT TO FORGIVE BECAUSE IT'S HEALTHY AND STOPS THE CORROSIVE HATE FROM TURNING YOUR INNARDS INTO AN EMOTIONAL VERSION OF THE FLOATING WRECK OF THE EVENT HORIZON BUT HOLY SHIT IT STILL FEELS SO RIGHT ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU SOMEHOW MAKE MORE MONEY THAN WE'LL EVER SEE SHIT PROBABLY SO MUCH YOU GET IT IN CASH JUST SO YOU CAN EAT SOME OF IT BECAUSE HELL WHY NOT IT'S NOT LIKE YOUR BRAIN NEEDS FOOD OR AIR TO FUNCTION JUST PUT A NEW HAMSTER IN AND WATCH THE GEARS TURNING AND ONE MORE THING WATERSKIING SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU GOT YOUR FOOT CAUGHT IN THE PROP OF YOUR BOAT WHEN YOU WERE OUT THERE WATERSKIING OHHHH WE'VE NEVER ROOTED HARDER FOR AN EVINRUDE IN OUR LIVES AND SERIOUSLY HOW THE HELL DID YOU EVER BEAT JIM TRESSEL AND NICK SABAN IN THE SAME LIFETIME I HAVE AN ANSWER BLIND FUCKING LUCK YOU ARE THE PRAIRIE DOG A HAWK SNAGGED BUT DROPPED INTO A BARREL FULL OF HOT PRAIRIE DOG BITCHES AND FRESH TASTY CORN AND YOU'LL PROBABLY SOMEHOW GET ANOTHER YEAR AT ILLINOIS NAME REDAAAAACTED--
[takes deep breath]
..happy birthday...to..youuuuuuuuuuuu.