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NICK SABAN'S CONTRACT IS STILL BETTER THAN ANYTHING YOU'LL EVER KNOW

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The contract Nick Saban received from Alabama in 2007 was lavish--and in hindsight, completely worth it for the program in light of shiny new title ring, robust finances, and the social stability afforded Alabamians who might otherwise start wondering why the streets of their cities were paved with old beer cans and bondo.  

(We kid: bondo would hold up. Alabama's roads are likely to shatter like dried cake icing beneath your tires. )

Saban's contract included the following in addition to his salary

 

  • 25 hours exclusive use of a non-commercial aircraft per year. 
  • Country Club Membership (though he has to pay for his own food there) 
  • Moving expenses. 
  • The jar-encased floating head of Bear Bryant on call at all times for consultation 
  • A 15 seat luxury skybox for his family in Bryant-Denny Stadium 
  • Two full-size automobiles for personal use, including insurance for both vehicles. 
  • A private doorway and 24 hour access to the University Incinerator (SCHOLARSHIP LIMITS DON'T TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES YOU KNOW) 
  • A perpetually refillable subscription for Provigil for him and his staff of 3,291 assistant coaches. 
In addition to all this, an amended contract just signed between Saban and the University provides him with term life insurance, an not-unusual perk in any contract, but probably for amounts that would make you weep for the astonishing sums of money you will never, ever sniff in life that Nick Saban could make in death.

LSU has a similar insurance policy for their coaches by contract: a cabinet full of machetes, Shaolin Spades, and other sharp-edged weaponry available to the coach at any time. The university has used it since Curley Hallman was devoured by a rampaging mob in 1994. Remember, Les: pausing to reload will just piss 'em off. Aim for the head, and keep swinging until you see daylight, because you'll never, ever outgun a crowd of angry Louisianans, but you might cut their heads off before they can draw, because butter makes you slow and lethargic.