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TUESDAY WHIMSY: A SQUAT RACK NAMED DESIRE

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It's Tuesday, and it's April, and Rick Muscles, longtime commenter, has some thoughts for us on personal training, centaurs, and football. Listen to him. Learn from him.  -ed.

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A Squat Rack Named Desire- Rick Muscles chokes the life out of today's issues with his mother fucking thighs.

Today we'll clean and jerk the truth out of Careers, Books, Boners and T Shirts.


CAREERS

I wish I could get paid to determine if LOST was more smug than the BIG 10 or less.

If my name was Ron and I needed to name a state, I'd strongly consider Rontana

Nick Saban controls Cameroon's supply of unobtanium.

Nick Saban has hired a lot of blind folded piano players in his day.

I'm pretty sure Martin Truex Jr is a fake name.

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Tim Tebow and Mark Hamill will have the same career trajectory.

If Don Draper is still alive, I bet he hates watching LOST because it triggers flashbacks to the Korean War.

Will Muschamp is the Jaques Derrida of football.

Hollywood, I'm demanding you remake every Phillip Seymore Hoffman movie with Tracy Morgan as the lead character. Doubt would be much less upsetting.

BOOKS

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Are you there Margaret? It's Me, God -- I don't give a shit about your period.



BONERS

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Do you take antidepressants and can't get a boner? Indonesians have been grinding up Lou Holtzes for years and use them as a male aphrodisiac.

GE, would it kill you add a universal remote control to a Fleshlight.

Zac Braff's penis just DM'd on twitter, it just picked up the new MGMT album and isn't so sure it likes it.

If you're friends with someone who admits to seeing the movie La Femme Nikita, you should stay away from that person.

I sip purple drank with creatine in it.

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I assume couples YOGA is a modern euphemism for swinging.

When I need cash I photoshop my torso on a horse, and sell the pictures to a centaur porn site.

Zac Braff's penis just texted me, it thought Greenberg wasn't really a comedy, too much drama.

This is probably the best website to advertise my weight lifting supplement, Date Rape Fuel.

I named my first pubic hair Evan St Onge in 1996.

One time in Amsterdam I pushed a Japanese tourist in a canal.



T-SHIRTS

Saw a heavy metal fan shopping with his daughter the other day, he asked the clerk if the store sold black diapers.

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This was a popular t shirt in the 1970s. Today Big Ten fans have embraced their own version showing a picture of a brain with the caption, "I wish these were speed."

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This offseason diversion has been brought to you by Rick Muscles, who thinks Errol Morris needs to get off his ass and make a documentary about Kige Ramsey, and by UNNATURAL BONER erection supplements.