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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 4/16/2010

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GRANT TEAFF, POLICY GENIUS.  Grant Teaff used to be head coach at Baylor, and a good one since he won at Baylor. He's also a policy genius

"Nothing's perfect," said Grant Teaff, executive director of the American Football Coaches Association. "I'm sure something, or some situation will come up down the road that's going to cause a lot of people some consternation. And when that happens, we'll look at the rule and decide if it needs adjusting.

I dunno, man, it's like a rule or something, and...[BONG RIP.] Towelie is now in charge of making the rules for NCAA football, and it's cool, man. If you need Grant Teaff he's going to be watching TLC, because they've got this new show about midgets who make chocolate, and shit, that chocolate looks SOOO GOOD RIGHT NOW...

ASS AND ASS STATISTICS: HELPING YOU MAKE BULLSHIT ARGUMENTS SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME. Anyway, Tony Barnhart bets the rule won't matter in but, oh, say ten games next year (statistic provided by Ass: holding bullshit numbers waiting to be pulled out in conversation since forever.) If the rule had existed two years ago, it certainly wouldn't have changed the outcomes of any major games, mind you...

Doc Saturday has a sane roundup of the plays that would have been affected, and even though he's too polite to say it, it boils down to bullshit and poorly executed bullshit at that. Mack Brown is the only one with any sense whatsoever: 

"I am most concerned about the taunting rule," Brown said. "I don't disagree with it, but I am worried about the consistency in how the rule is interpreted, especially when it can cost a team a touchdown. It can be looked at so differently by the various officiating groups around the country and a call would have such a major impact on games that in fairness, it's crucial that it is called the same way for everyone."

The implicit sentiment here is that it won't be called the same way, and it makes officials look horrible since they'll be asked to be interpretive dance instructors and not officials doing what they are supposed to do: enforcing the actions of the game as executed on the field. This brings college football one step closer to ice dancing. Even if that's a millimeter in that direction, that's a millimeter too far. 

OF COURSE IT WON'T AFFECT ALABAMA. We assume Nick Saban would walk onto the field and shoot the offender in the head. HAHAHAH ORSON HE WOULDN'T--you just realized we're right, right? That he'd do it? That there are rough men who man the walls at night so you can sleep, and behind those rough men are little bastards with knives and guns who don't sleep and dream only of blood and killing and cover-2 schemes properly executed? And that sometimes you pay them to be your football coach, and that not a person in Bryant-Denny would lift a finger to stop him? (Daniel Moore painting: "THE SHOT.") 

IOWA'S THROWBACKS: So very, very sexy, like all things, um...Iowan. 

 THE GREATEST PLAY. We'd still call the option the quintessential football play, but the Iso is damn close across all football environments, and led our 97 Madden Team to glory behind an unkillable Eddie George running it 35 times a game. Ohio State fans, tuck the erection behind your belt to hide it, but make sure you have your shirt-tail OUT. Very important: shirt-tail OUT, or else your saddle horn will show, and that's not allowed in polite company.