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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 3/4/2010

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WE'RE ALL FOR JUSTICE. The abstract concept, or the French techno megaduo, though "Stress" might make a better theme for complete mass panic in a heated environment. 

Dammit, he mixed crocodiles and alligators. We can't take credit for their accomplishments, numerous as they may be! Alligators have their own list of illustrious kills: slow herons, game fish stuck on the hooks of drunken Florida sportsmen, and fat Rottweilers who strayed too close to the water under the lackadaisical guidance of their 105 pound sorority girl owners around Lake Alice. Our longstanding bid for Florida's entry music remains "Killing In The Name Of," but WAAAHH SONG ABOUT POWER AND MURDER BLAH BLAH BLAH. 

A change is clearly in order, as Florida's simmering cauldron of student violence needs more venting than it already gets. 

3-D OMG I'LL WATCH THE WHOLE GAME WITH THESE GLASSES ON. It is a certainty that the technology is impressive, but mayun, this should send chills up the spine of everyone with a dollar invested in 3-D broadcasts. 

Why is ESPN working so hard to develop 3-D broadcasts as soon as possible? Because the people have spoken. "After the USC-Ohio State game, the focus group was one of the best we've ever had," said Anthony Bailey, the vice president of emerging technology who first broached the idea of 3-D broadcasts four years ago.

Focus groups also hate it when you go negative in campaigns (which works,) love expensive shiny things (they don't have to pay for,) and as an aggregate group are as useful as mustard-squirting tits growing on the side of large Xerox copier. We say it fails like the cell-u-lar phone, and fails to succeed like our favorite toy, the Apple Newton, which just needs a few more years to really catch fire. 

PIZZAZZ? SPELLED B-I-L-L S-T-E-W-A-R-T. Bill Stewart will no longer coach special teams for West Virginia, and will instead delegate the tasks to three different coaches and a pretty together black bear named Howard he met at the Strawberry Festival last week. ("Everyone needs their first chance.") Stewart also promises to put some more "spark" in the spring game for Mountaineers fans, which either means a spark in the form of his favorite artist Beyonce showing up, or the more appealing plan of installing eight huge randomly discharging Tesla coils around the stadium. (We vote for option two.) 

BIG SHOES TO FILL IN ATHENS. WELL, ACTUALLY, PERFECTLY NORMAL SHOES SLATHERED IN OLD SUNSCREEN. The impossible is for breakfast for college football players, and is on the plate for the Georgia quarterbacks attempting to replace the Ginger Ninja under center in Athens. Mike Bobo actually drops the "we'd really like someone to jump up and take the job" quote, which is interesting since most coaches would prefer a shapeless muddle with no resolution stretching well into November before they figure out their quarterback situation. Wait: that actually is what Steve Spurrier prefers. Sarcasm, redacted. 

GUY MORRISS, PR GENIUS. He hung up on an AP reporter who called him at home, which was probably the smart call given what he's already said in public about his players stealing the campus newspaper. 

SHERLOCK HOLMESES IS WATCHING HIS EVERY MOVE. Indiana hires arch-villain Moriarity as their offensive line coach. Waterfall duel to death to ensue, and somehow Bill Lynch 

MIND THE BRICK WALLS. [NAME REDACTED] will have Illinois players running into Wrigley's solid brick outfield walls to test their loyalty and mettle, and though the massive head trauma will have no effect on him in the demonstration, we urge Illini players to remember that the brick will still be there after you run into it, unlike your coach after this year. (His destiny, as we all know, is to join Indy's coaching staff, and thus bring together the Ron-A-Thon, the trio of mediocre college head coaches named "Ron" employed by Jim Caldwell.) 

LOOK OVER HERE. THE DIAMONDS HAVE TURNED INTO JAKE PLUMMER'S PHONE NUMBER. A former Sun Devil is the Old Spice dream horse guy, and like all awesome things in this universe, he has a connection to Jake Plummer. 

HE WILL BE REPLACED BY A TWO STAR LINEBACKER WHO WILL THEN BECOME AN ALL-ACC LINEBACKER. One in, one out. First, Nate Irving, NC State linebacker who laughs at your puny horrific car accidents, tags in. Second, Virginia Tech MLB Barquell Rivers, a 13 game starter from last year's squad,is out 3-4 months with a knee injury.