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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 3/3/2010

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ROWR. The Auburn Tiger Prowl continues its extremely fuel-inefficient trip across Alabama. See if you get any green-minded recruits now, Tigersplainseagles! (And we mean environmentally minded, not, you know, cash-obsessed, since that award clearly goes to Pitt for the moment.

It's mostly the Auburn staff gladhanding highschoolers and walking awkwardly around the halls, but it is notable for the following exchange: 

Student: "Don't come back here less you got money." 

Trooper Taylor: "All I got is some food stamps." 

Additionally, Gus Malzahn looks just as white and dorky in this crew as you think he would, with even high schoolers passing him in the hallways and looking up with expressions reading dorkapotamus in his native environment. 

SHOCKINGLY OUR OLD ENVIRONMENT WAS FAR MORE CONNECTIVE AND UNREGULATED. There is an economic school of thinking that argues that the freest actual international trade environment occurred sometime in the late 19th century when the British Empire governed shipping lanes, everyone else just kind of piggybacked on that, and no one stopped much of anything from flying willy-nilly across borders without much tarriffing, taxation, or other such gatekeeping. The same could be argued for college football, since connectivity between programs has, even with the addition of the 12th game, declined overall and done so in impressively elegant graphical form

Contrarily, Wofford's weight room doth now shine like the figurehead of a freshly scrubbed British clipper ship. Don't say it hasn't benefitted someone. (The Southern Conference, FTW!) 

IN OTHER SHOCKING NEWS, WE DON'T WANT TO WATCH THE BLOODY DEATH OF OUR FATHER AT THE HANDS OF HIS MAD FATHER AND A HERD OF STAMPEDING CATTLE. Colt McCoy doesn't want to watch the BCS Title game and hasn't, which is just as shocking as our decision not to watch the painful video of our father's untimely demise on the cliffs. HE THINKS YOU BETRAYED HIM. <---first and only reference ever anywhere to Neil Sheridan's The Field. 

WHAT SAY WE TO JIM DELANY DEFENDING SOMETHING GOOD? That even if he's on the side of all things good on one issue, it merely confirms that Delany (DELANY HERE START TALKING) not only stands in the way of positive progress, but just progress in general. Fifty dollars says the man has a rolodex with a tinted plastic cover, still wears sock stirrups, and still has a little box on his desk to call his secretary when he needs a new cup of joe (Maxwell House has always been good enough for me, thank you very much Nancy.)  Broken clocks, twice a day, harumph harumph. As for the value of a 96 team tournament, we side as always with the Onion, and suggest you just expand it into the thousands for fairness' sake. 

WE'RE HARDY AND SELF-SUFFICIENT LIKE THAT. The headline for this was actually "Make Money Off The Blind Side." Michael Lewis done bought me a new jet ski! WOOOOOOOOO! 

PACK UP THE BUS AND CALL OFF THE SEASON.  Penn State loses their starting punter to injury, most likely after he saw the visage of a dino-DJK riding a fire-breathing stallion in his dreams. Mark PSU down to five wins, because if punting is winning, they're already seven losses down.*

YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T EVEN TRY TO RECRUIT THE NUMBER ONE RECRUIT. Given the examples of the past decade, just do this when sizing up recruits. First, collect the number of google hits for each. Second, rank each one. Third, take the first one--the one with the qb svengali, the "agent", the consultants, and the publicity-hungry father--and DO NOT RECRUIT HIM. In unrelated news, Bryce Brown's brother is transferring to K-State. Yup. Totally unrelated.**

*Doesn't really think punting is winning

**Not that Precious (aka Derek Dooley) can't convince him to stay, but seriously: why bother with a nuisance who takes what is considered a noxious stance among pro athletes before he's played a down of amateur college ball? It's a bit like dating a girl who always wears a hat: trouble with a warning sign attached that you willfully ignore. You hat-wearing-girl-dating men understand what I'm saying. 


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