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OREGON CHEERLEADER ARRESTED FOR DUI

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The Ducks Imperial March through the civil and criminal codebook of Eugene, Oregon continues apace and is not limited to those who take the field in pads. 18 year old Cheerleader Molly Maginnis of Beaverton, Oregon was cited for DUI on Saturday night in Eugene as she tried to park her busted-ass Chevy Equinox SUV* in a parking spot, and thus breaking two cardinal rules of drunk driving in both a.) driving an SUV, and b.) attempting to parallel park while hammered. 

Insult to injury: you got pulled over by ten speeds and two legs, girl. 

A bicycle patrol officer made contact with Maginnis after noticing her repeated attempts to park her sports utility vehicle, Kletzok said.

Oregon's had both a kicker AND a cheerleader get into trouble with the law. Only possible explanation for widespread mayhem: a maenad is loose in Eugene, and the vampires, werewolves, and shifters will have to team up with the elves to rid the town of her madness. 

*Obligatory use of "busted-ass" mandated by AP Style Manual in conjunction with the Chevy Equinox.