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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 3/2/2010

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STEVE SPURRIER: STILL FUCKIN' THAT CHICKEN. Spurrier is still coach at South Carolina, and going into his fifth season he is, like every other South Carolina coach ever, valiantly mounted up and fucking that chicken for all its worth, which under his hand is like, you know, seven or eight wins and a spot in a bowl sponsored by a suburban food company.

Ol' Stephen Garcia best watch his gridiron vagabondin', however: 

 

The pinkish shirt may be a nod to the Gamecocks' colors, but you and ourselves both know it's 1984 forever for Spurrier, and that pink is the choice for a man so secure in his 

TIP TIP AROO TO YOU TOO, SIR, AND MAY GOD AND QUEEN SEE THE END OF THE DAY WITH CUCUMBER SANDWICHES AND THE INDIAN EMPIRE IN HAND.  John Brantley will receive the full brunt of the Gainesville media's Tebow withdrawal, an unfortunate thing since he's a jovial, photogenic, and perfectly pleasant guy who nevertheless lacks Tim Tebow's buffest-dude-in-the-youth-group room-working ability. He does have one thing, though: BRITISH DICTION, BITCH. 

When asked which young wide receiver have caught his eye, Brantley didn’t hesitate. "I’m liking Frankie Hammond and Omarius Hines. They’re looking very well," he said.

Quite so, guv'nah! Please, pray take your hansom cab wheel off my daughter's neck, as she appears to be in considerable distress, and perhaps a farthing for her transport to hospital and possibly to Highgate afterwards. No, sir? Well, 'tis a privilege for her and myself anyway! 

Brantley notes in the interview that he likes the potential of this "Deonte Thompson," an alleged wide receiver for Florida who can only be seen open and waving fifteen yards behind the last DB in 2009 game film. NFL Scout tip: Tim Tebow has a rare neurological disorder preventing him from seeing anyone named "Deonte."  Free draft advice. We're handing it out like amphetamines in a schoolyard, mayun. 

LANE'S JUST STEPPING OUT FOR CIGARETTES. SWEARZ.  Lane Kiffin's brother Chris will join him on staff in LA, unlike his fake brother David Reaves, his in-law who he left at Tennessee without offering him a job at USC. LoJack that bastard, Chris. Don't let him out of your sight.  

RICKY STANZI VACATIONS IN THE DMZ AND WRESTLES TIGERS FOR FUN. Our favorite random facts about Korea, in no particular order: there are tigers in the DMZ after sixty years of inadvertent natural habitat preservation, Koreans use a specific brand of sausage as a stylus for their mobile devices in cold weather so they won't have to take their gloves off, and ZOMG they love the Iowa Hawkeyes

WE JUST PAID THE HELL OUT OF YOU. Kirby Smart hauled in $34K just for showing up to work yesterday, and by a quirk of his contract had it shoved into his pants by a hootin' and hollerin' Paul Bryant, Jr. The things programs will do to keep coordinators these days are getting progressively more excessive  awesome. 

ADIOS, JAYBO. Jaybo Shaw is transferring from Georgia Tech, and we just dare your bitch ass bitchassness to ask Paul Johnson a got-damn thing about it. Go ahead. Five dollars. Right here in my hand saying "Take me!" What's the worst that could happen HAHAHAHAHA HE MIGHT RIP YOUR BALLS OFF. 

LET'S MAKE LIKE FANCY PEOPLE AND GET OUT THE RIUNITE AND WHITE LIMOS. The ideal for any party in Auburn is the scene from Road House where Dalton watches from his austere barn as Brad Wesley's cronies party and drink at the big house with floozies in French-cut bikins, so anticipate Gene Chizik driving his limo across two lanes of traffic and singing "Life Would Be A Dream" while wearing an ascot on the prowl during Big Cat Weekend.Trooper Taylor is involved, so get ready for some of the most inspiring towel-waving you've ever seen, Alabama. (Nick Saban = Dalton waiting at the door in a sleeveless black t-shirt, minus a foot in height.) 


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