We always wished we had snappy retorts on hand at all times in all situations. It's the stuff of legends, which is why no one actually has real retorts, because people can only think of them ahead of time in novels, films, and television shows. For instance, Justified featured no less than three quality spur-of-the-moment retorts last night, and each clearly illustrated why Elmore Leonard should be writing your life. You might be just as wistful and grizzled as when you started the book, and might get shot along the way, but still: you'd have snappy retort by the ton.*
Unfortunately, snappy retort can get you punched and punched hard, so you best be ready to defend yourself. Alternately, you can hide behind someone much larger. This is why we always go out drinking with our friend Toby The Invisible Drinking HIppo. He solves all problems when you start telling people about him and demanding a seat be left open for him at bars. In fact, people won't even speak to you at all after a while. That's just the kind of respect Toby commands.
A man from Eagle, Idaho could have used our good friend Toby after this discussion with Boise State safety Jason Robinson on or about February 12th.
Police later determined Robinson was talking with two other people, a man and a woman, inside the bar when an Eagle man in his mid-20s walked up to the group and said something to Robinson. Witnesses say they exchanged a few more words, when Robinson punched the man in the face, according to Boise police reports. The man went to the hospital later that day and found out he had a broken jaw.
Robinson has been suspended from the team since earlier this month. For helping Boise State rep on scoreboards in every endeavor and for breaking a man's jaw, Robinson has been charged with felony aggravated battery, and will thus be awarded the full three points for a felony here in the Fulmer Cup.
*First show featured: bourbon, moonshine, no less than five people being shot, crazy hot lady in sundress who killed her husband, fried chicken, beady-eyed evil white supremacists, dorky cracker boss, hot black lady with twin pistols, excellent use of assault rifle, rocket launcher, and Elmore Leonard dialogue. If this does not sell you on the show, you're in the wrong place.