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JOHN CLAY TO MISS SPRING PRACTICE, UP TOP BRAH

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John Clay is the latest heir to the Jiggleback position at Wisconsin, and a fine one at that. You last saw him running through the scattered corpses of pastel-uniform-clad Miami defenders in the Champs Sports Bowl, so you would do well to avoid wearing soft tones and colors around him, as they clearly anger him. He could be considered a contender for next year's [COPYRIGHTED TROPHY OF DECREASING RELEVANCE,] and is easily the best running back of name in the Big Televen. Loftiness: his resume has it. 

Add another line to his list of accomplishments: missing spring practice. FIST BUMP BRAH. Instead of needlessly coughing up his breakfast running drills, the established starter will instead spend his mornings at the pool in rehab after surgery on both ankles to relieve pain. His major is in "human development and family studies," so that means Family Matters reruns and Call of Duty until noon, and then some light multiple choice classes and Facebook chatting. WELL PLAYED, YOUNG ATHLETICIAN. Your schedule now rivals that of even the most torpid blogger, and is the envy of all men. (Plus you're almost certain to remain the starter. Hey, Wings! Wings sound like a great idea. Sound of dialing cell phone...)