Lay off Kiper: the man made his hustle all by his lonesome, essentially blogging in handy analog form well before anyone else bothered to think of the NFL Draft as an event. He's just as full of shit as almost anyone guessing who will project out into the NFL as a solid talent worthy of your millions, NFL owners, but he happens to know the specifics making up that shit as well as one possibly could. He also made up the word "strinth," a term indicating the combination of "football power" and "I am a prospect being discussed by Mel Kiper, pasty basement bat who sees the sun three times a year."
Almost everyone else involved in the draft business can eat a dick, however. That's an established culinary/metaphorical trope, btw. Step one: make mashed potatoes. Two: shape into dick. Three, serve to person who is completely full of shit. In case you doubt you need to make a potato dick and serve it to someone, just watch the NFL combine for a while and you'll start to get the idea. You'll be plating up a potato-penis in no time at all.
We wanted to make one yesterday for Marshall Faulk, who trotted out the "Urban Meyer doesn't prepare quarterbacks for the pros" trope one more time this weekend, complaining that the Florida coaches never changed The Frittata, Tebow's looping, deliciously eggy throwing motion.
Charles Davis and Mike Mayock quickly shot this down, mentioning that not only had Meyer produced a number one draft pick in Alex Smith, but that he was, yes, still playing in the NFL and starting games. Faulk, in response, said "we'll see."
The horrifying fact underlying any and all predictions in this guessing market: success is largely random. Of the NFL's top ten passers, consider the brilliant gurus who "prepared" them for the NFL:
- Peyton Manning (David Cutcliffe, who had the fortune of working with two Mannings)
- Drew Brees (Joe Tiller. Diabeetus.)
- Kurt Warner (Northern Iowa. Yeah. Northern. Iowa.)
- Brett Favre (Curly Hallman. LSU Fans just DIED ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?)
- Mark Sanchez (Steve Sarkisian. Okay, decent point here, but USC usually gets five star qb talent.)
- Tony Romo (Sal EasternIllinois-avich. Okay, we have no idea who his head coach at EIU was, but the point stands: dude was from nowhere.)
- Aaron Rodgers (Jeff Tedford, pre-spread offense triflin')
- Donovan McNabb (Paul Pasqualoni, who also produced NFL legend Troy Nunes.)
- Joe Flacco (THE MAN WAS A BLUE HEN, DAMMIT)
The notion of (cue Jon Gruden's voice) THIS GUY REALLY PREPARING YOU FOR THE LEAGUE is insane. The best prerequisites for success in the NFL are having a huge arm, accuracy, and being put in a good situation with 21 other starters who know what they're doing and who accept millions of dollars without letting it affect their ability to play a game for a living. It's a crapshoot past the "was a D-1 starter" and "hit the genetic lottery." The rest is asking what kind of underwear they don on gameday and accusing them of being unfocused because they dared to be a Rhodes Scholar.