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CURIOUS INDEX, 3/1/2010

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I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT BUT I MUST BRING YOU THIS SPECIAL MESSAGE ABOUT RON PRINCE. Having watched a Super Bowl slip away from them thanks to a heinous Peyton Manning pick to inexplicable lack of offensive mojo, the Indianapolis Colts came to the only conclusion they could: MORE POWER TOWEL WAS NEEDED

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Ron P is now an offensive assistant with the Colts, and will be single-handedly responsible for the Colts triumphant asswhipping of [INSERT YOUR BITCHASS TEAM HERE] next year in the Super Bowl. You lacked royalty, Indianapolis, and now some has deigned to join you for the small appearance fee of a salary and, of course, a secret delayed payout to be made in 2018 known only to Bill Polian and the Trilateral Commission.*  

KEEP HOPE ALIVE, MITCH MUSTAIN.  Senior season bearing down on him, Mustain still hopes to make starter at USC. Matt Barkley wasn't really all that fantastic as a freshman, (15/14 TD/INT ratio,) so there's a glimmer of hope down there shining in the wreck of what was going to be a spectacular college career for the once-ballyhooed blue chip quarterback. Lane Kiffin has declared all positions open, except that of Captain Gigantoballs, which is his and his alone until someone wants to come up here and tell him he's not the Prime Minister of Poontown and its Colonies Partylandia and Awesomeville.* Get me my scepter, Ed. I need it to go knock some heads down at campus parking.**

LSU STILL HAS FIVE RUNNING BACKS, ALL CAPABLE OF MASS TERROR, NONE CAPABLE OF WINNING THE STARTING JOB. LSU is still doing the thing where they have five zillion running backs, each in his own right endowed with speed, strength, and an invisible crowbar only they can wield in knocking defenders off them. And per tradition in the modern era, none of them will be given enough carries to really matter, because the only other place where good running backs get fewer carries is Florida, and because something in Gary Crowton's brain*** refuses to let him use a running back effectively. This year's underutilized wonder: Michael Ford, he of 4.4 speed and high expectations. 

WOOO BEAVERS AND HORNY FROGS AT THE JERRYDOME! America's great fascist fucktub, the JerryDome, will likely host TCU and Oregon State on September 4th of this year. It's an interesting matchup, and WOOOOHOOO CAGE DANCERS!!! Paul Verhoeven says it's only a matter of time before bloodsport is hosted there without guilt or apologies (and we will have a press pass for it.) 

BRANDON GRAHAM IS FRANK.  After playing like your powerlifting commando of a brother home from college dabbling around in a pickup game of football with middle schoolers during the 2009 season, current combine prospect and Michigan Wolverine Brandon Graham is...well, he's honest.

 After the season, we said that, ‘you can’t be up for so long, eventually you have to pay taxes,’ " Graham said on Saturday. "That’s how we look at it until we get it back up. That’s what we’re going to do. I hope them boys get right next year. Because coach (Rich Rodriguez has) only got one more year — if they don’t do (anything). Because of the allegations, and then, if you have a bad year, then you’ve got to get someone new."

Graham also said that the chinstrap beard you wear hides nothing, since we can all see your double chin anyway and it only draws attention to it, and that you'll never change him because you're not in love with him, but merely with the notion of being loved. Until you quit living in the ideal and see things for what they are, you'll never be happy in a relationship, especially with the distant proxies you continue to substitute for your emotionally remote father. Brandon you cut us all to the quick...

HEY, LOOK ATHLETES DOING GOOD THINGS. West Virginia raises money for Haiti with a silent auction, which included football memorabilia, some of Bill Stewart's prize whittled Indian figurines, and a date with Bondo, the handsome and intriguing talking black bear who has served as WVU's academic compliance officer for three decades. 

BUT WAS HE EVER THERE? Ron Turner, last seen attempting to reign in the Sex Cannon unsuccessfully in Chicago after getting fired as the head coach at Illinois, is headed back to the NFL after an astonishing two-week career at Stanford. Mercury News, drop a train on 'em. 

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ATROCITY HAS A THOUSAND AVATARS HERE'S ONE. This headline,it makes the weep come from the visual input spheres. 

*This is your very literal and serious reminder that Jim Caldwell is an imbecile. 

**Secondary reminder: Lane Kiffin is also an imbecile. 

***A tumor or small gnome residing in his temporal lobes. 

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