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Not even convicted? Next question, coach--we don't even want to finish this one, since clearly Demar Dorsey has no problems whatsoever and will be a fine addition to the football team. That, Michigan fans, is what it would be like if you were anywhere else in the nation and had a recruit with a couple of nasty juvenile arrests, but the Freep is on the scene for this extremely overblown story like the WITI TV 6 news crew. DURR HURR WHY DOES RICH ROD RECRUIT THUGZ OUTRAGE HURR. Because some of them are fast, can play football, and can be kept out of trouble for four years while they win football games? The Michigan press is the polar opposite of SEC press corps, and we mean that in the good and bad way: not fawning, but also convinced there's a potential Watergate beneath that Gatorade bucket over there. 

We'd Like To Hold Off Until The Tests Come Back. Listen, you're sexy. Admittedly, very, very sexy. It's just...there's these tests. I have to do what's right for me, and let's just wait until we make sure things are okay down there before we get down, there. If it's all clear, I'm there! No, don't look hurt. After some of the people you've been with, you can't blame me for being hesitant. 

This building recruited you, not the nervous man with the Blackberry. Urban Meyer, despite his protestations, had a great deal to do with this class's success, according to Jeremy Crabtree, who notes that the control freakazoid coach had his mitts in every corner of Florida's blue-chip hunt this season. 

"He is so personally invested in everything that goes on with this program. He’s invested in the day to day operations and he also gets involved in the recruiting. We were talking to Ronald Powell minutes after the Urban Meyer situation developed and he said he knew about it before anybody else did because Coach Meyer called him and was upfront with him, they appreciated how he was honest through the whole process and built a great bond with them, few pour their heart and soul to the recruiting process the way he does. He’s that involved in every aspect of recruiting and you can tell. Maybe he should retire more often."

The man, as far as we know, has a deeply emotional bond with everything, kitchen appliances, stray tennis balls, and tiny puppies he doesn't even own included. We used to think the man was an icy robot, but apparently he's a broken romantic seconds away from retiring with an Absinthe bottle and a well-worn volume of Rimbaud to small flat on the Left Bank. Actually, that might be what he's going to do, since no one still has a clue what he's going to do now, and that is a fact that bears repeating: no one has a clue what Urban Meyer is going to do now. He might resign at 11:00 a.m. He might sail to the Azores. He might walk the earth looking for an honest man, or get a heart transplant, or become the coach of Boca Juniors for all we know. 

Oh, and yes, USC has Rivals number one class with the late pseudo-commitment of Seantrel Henderson, but Scout has USC sixth, and there has yet to be a USC class in the past four years that Rivals has not inflated past the point of logical safety. USC's been racking up top five classes for the past five years and, in relative terms, squandering their potential. A good bit of that came under the offensive management of Lane Kiffin, who is now your head coach. 

Cannons. Fuck. Yes. That's one way to do it properly, yes. In-game music at Florida has also sadly lacked cannons, and relied too much on that second hoariest of stadium rockers, "Thunderstruck." (First is the legendary "Crazy Train," which has made appearances much to our disappointment.) At least diversify your AC/DC: "Shoot to Thrill" is too much to ask?  

Lonnie Outlaw, Baddest Man In Wilcox County. He's real, and he's spectacular (ly connected to a recruit Georgia actually wants, but who cares BECAUSE HIS NAME IS LONNIE OUTLAW.)