HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER'S TIPS TO CLOSING THE DEAL PRE-SIGNING DAY

Signing Day's important. Real important. It's the day you bring in the horses who are going to help you pull that stagecoach across the barren plains and over the mountains to your destination. Getting those horses is what it's all about. 

Some people steal 'em, some people buy 'em, but me? I liked to charm 'em with sugar cubes, carrots, and a little twinkle of the old mustache. Here's a few of the tips ol' Schnelly is willing to share with you for finding the finest stallions and mesmerizing 'em back to your stable, friend. 

Bring Candy. None of that newfangled stuff: your skipples, whorebursts, etcetera. Squirrel Nut Zippers helped me seal the deal more often than I care to recall. Give 'em one each time you get in the door, and soon they're conditioned. When they slobber on their shirts at the sight of you, you have 'em in the palm of your hand. 

Let them know you're there. True story: I sat eye level outside Bennie Blades window every night as he went to sleep. Just my eyes, twinklin' above the window sill. I still pop up from time to time outside Bennie's window for old times' sake. He has a lovely and understanding wife with many talents. 

Take care of momma. Let her know you'll be more than a coach to her boy. She's nervous. She's worried. Give her a bath, scrub her thoroughly with a curry brush, and put the softest saddle blanket on her before taking her out for a ride. I mean a literal ride because I'm a gentleman, and a gentleman always leaves a lady wanting more and her husband impressed at your courtesy. A strong lady will appreciate the exercise and tender care. Go easy on the spurs. 

Leave something behind. It used to be a pipe for me, but after I quit smoking tobacco and using tobacco-related products I had to come up with something else. Now I make sure to have either a baby hippo or grown, untamed dingo delivered to recruits' homes. They call back screaming,  you take the animal using my powers of animal persuasion, and you look like the hero.

(Note: you must have powers of animal persuasion to do this technique. Pick up the nearest rattlesnake you can find and stare at it. If it bites you, you do not have powers of animal persuasion. If not, then proceed.) 

Give them a dollar bill.  Is it legal? Oh, I dont think so, but neither is taking a mule on a catamaran, and if sailing Biscayne Bay with my close four-hooved friend Augustus is against the law, I don't want your laws, mister. 

Magic tricks. My favorite one goes like this. Take a coin, and be sure to palm it. Then tell the recruit he has a coin behind his ear, and produce the coin by unpalming the coin from behind his ear. Then have an assistant park a new sports car registered in his mother's name in the driveway. PRESTO! 

Hunting caps. It just sends the right signal, no matter how how hot it is. Deer urine is optional, but it's not really. If a buck follows you into the house it will only add to your mystique, and possibly give the recruit's father an easy kill if he's of the hunting persuasion. Help him out by breaking its neck and cleaning it for dinner. 

Chloroform. I'm not proud, but I'm also not poor. 

Red Lobster.  Haven't met a sailor yet who wasn't seduced by Cheddar Bay and its amazing biscuits. Lobster shells make fetching brooches, too.