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MALLETT BREAKS LEFT FOOT, OUT 3-4 MONTHS

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Ryan Mallett is already showing signs of being a real pro, breaking his left foot in the most convenient manner imaginable during conditioning drills today in Fayetteville. The 8'11 quarterback attempted to duck a flock of low-flying geese, stumbled, and landed awkwardly on a wayward brown bear. Mallett will miss 3-4 months due to the fracture, while the brown bear had to be euthanized, skinned, and turned into a souvenir rug and hearty stew due to his injuries. 

Mallett will now have to substitute comfortable film study, rigorous Modern Warfare 2 sessions, and exhausting hours beneath the hands of masseuses for the invigorating wind sprints and not-at-all monotonous drills of spring practice. He will almost certainly remain the starter no matter what happens in spring, and has thus accidentally done what many of us did in our senior years of college: taken the happy road of couch-prone resistance. It's a contract holdout without the holdout and everyone hating you for admitting in public that camp sucks, all thanks to a perfectly good excuse note from the Random Fracture Fairy. 

(He'll also still get a massive NFL bonus at the end of this, too. It's good to be a freaky tall trebuchet of a quarterback sometimes.)