THE ENTIRE 2010 FLORIDA FOOTBALL SEASON ANALOGIZED VISUALLY USING AN ALLIGATOR AS THE GATORS AND AN ELECTRIC EEL AS OUR OFFENSIVE STRATEGY.
AND NO: Holgorsen has not been contacted by Urban Meyer regarding the offensive coordinator job. in our pants he has, but in reality he has not, and that really, really sucks.
HELLO WEREWOLF KEVIN WILSON. Indiana will hire Oklahoma OC Kevin Wilson as their next head coach. This morning on Google Trends, the number 11 term searched is "werewolf names." We can only deduce from this that Kevin Wilson is the first lycanthrope head coach, and that during the full moon at the national title game in 2008 he was in wolf-phase and thus unable to lead the Oklahoma offense to victory against the Florida Gators. Three weeks out of every month he should be a fine coach, and for that other week slaughter and blood will rein Indiana football. (As opposed to the four weeks of slaughter each month Indiana football is accustomed to right now.)
MEANWHILE IN NEBRASKA: It's Tuesday, and Shawn Watson still sucks. Fun fact: Shawn Watson was the first choice of Nick Saban for his offensive coordinator at Alabama in 2008, and had to settle for JIm McElwain as a second choice. Nick Saban is not an offensive genius, something Dan Mullen would be happy to point out any day of the week, punk.
SO IT'S A LOCK, THEN. The search for Miami's next head coach has been narrowed down to RandyEdsallKevinSumlinDanMullenAlGoldenTommyTuberville. Now that we've cleared that up, Joe Schad has confirmed this confirmation. In another life Joe Schad was the gangster who stabbed dead bodies just to get in on the action.
CONGRATS, BOBBY. If you're going to congratulate Auburn, you might as well go to the top and eliminate all the other unnecessary cosmetic layers. (National title game, featuring Eccentric Shoe Billionaire versus dodgy Securities Fraud Bandito!) In other Auburn news, Urban Meyer doesn't need to be told how good Auburn is, since he's never beaten them, but he has had Oregon at number one the whole season and meant no disrespect in ranking them number two.
IF YOU MUST, SIR. We're actually okay with Rich Rodriguez being fired all of a sudden. No reason, really.
ALL MARYLAND PLAYERS SHOULD JUST NOT MOVE FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON. Not as humorous as a huge lineman eating it on a scooter, but still just as effective in terms of missing a bowl game due to scooter-related madness. We'd recommend horses as a green substitute, but that's a long way to fall and just as dangerous. Perhaps burly, friendly swine would do the trick, and serve as training table fodder in their retirement? Yes, that's a fine solution. #JoinTheRideItThenEatItMovement
STUFFING THE PASSER. Why The House Rock Built doesn't have their own Adult Swim series yet is beyond us.
*it's dead as a fucking doornail, and that qualifies as very harmed. The eel survived, and thus the metaphor is dead accurate.
**We're holding out hope Urban Meyer is just covering for his friend's ass here, and that he'll be shot into the sun at the nearest convenience while still holding his title of "Assistant Head Coach and Head Of Recruiting (on the sun.)"