Re-entry from Boise commencing. It's a bit like coming back from another dimension, so pardon the delays.
IT'S ON. CHOOSE A SPECIES.
Oregon and Auburn is your official BCS Championship Game, and if the hyperfocus of college coaches wasn't evident to you it should have been after watching both Gene Chizik and Chip Kelly admit they'd watched no tape on each other because they've been busy, you know, winning their own conferences and leveling everything in their path on a local-type basis. Chip Kelly conducted his acceptance interview with his team behind him. Gene Chizik conducted his in an old Silk Stalkings set with a wall of glass bricks behind him, a nice stylistic nod to the sexy-lethal life of a football coach at Auburn. (Jesse Palmer did the entire show on a separate set. He'd been bad, we suppose, or had overtanned <---this part is known, as he looked like he was fresh from a rotisserie oven.)
It's already duck-hunting season for Auburn, however.
THAT IS WHY IT IS CALLED THE COACHES PLOL. If you want to see more evidence of hyper-focus, just read the blatant politicking and naked ignorance of the Coaches' Poll, especially [NAME REDACTED]'s ballot. Schnellenberger's, of course, is flawless, and we will hear nothing to the contrary. (Though he did leave off Suspenders, and we will have to speak to him about that.)
YOU HEY YOU STOP DOING THAT YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT FOOTBALL ENOUGH TO KILL. The amount of bro-ing that had to be going on in the USC/UCLA brawl had to be off all bro-lytical charts.
[Football hits car]
[Someone is knife in face. Brawl ensues.]
Crowd: Bro BRO bro BRO! bro BROOOOOh BRO! [punch] BRAH BRO BRO bleed BRO! BRO?!? Brah! BROOOH
Bystander: Someone call the bro-lice!
Stabbed guy: Someone call an am-Bro-lance!
There is video, and it is very, very stupid.
HEY THERE'S FRANK BEAMER DOING THE DOUGLAS. We kind of love it when you dance, Frank Beamer, because you're better at it than any sixtyish man from Fancy Gap has a right to be. His Douglas is untouchable, and all the bitches love him for it.
THIS IS ALL RUMOR AND PLEASE DON'T TEASE. Oh, don't tease us, life. We only know that Urban Meyer is going to in fact do something about Florida's offense, and that they will remain committed to the spread option, something Holgorsen runs only as a wrinkle and not a mainstay. If Holgorsen does end up in Gainesville--and this is pure fiction at this point--the rough beast resulting from it...oh, the luminosity...the glorious luminosity...
DEREK DOOLEY WILL DO WHAT THE NCAA CANNOT DO. Tennessee is pretty happy, because they like bowl games and human heads, mostly. (via @AwlVawl)
LET'S BE EFFICIENT. Billy Joel played all at once is really the only way to properly enjoy the Piano Man. We like it when Billy Joel gets really deep with the figurative language, like the time he wrote a song about playing the piano called "Piano Man," or a song about pressure called "Pressure," or a song about how he liked you just the way you are and called it "Just the Way You Are." If he wrote a song about killing a trucker who picked him up for a ride one night in his troubadouring days, it would be called "The Time I Killed A Trucker Who Picked Me Up For A Ride One Night (In My Troubadouring Days.")