HE WEARS ALLIGATOR SKIN BOOTS/ AND RIDES A GIANT BURRO. We're not explaining this. Go here for that. Otherwise, please enjoy the tale of EL CHURRO, the new head of the Sinaloa cartel.
He takes ten percent. Forget it at your own peril.
FRIDGELIFT, DENIED. Ralph Friedgen denied the world the sight of his players hauling him off on his shoulders, but he did get a lovely sendoff in the form of an annihilation of East Carolina in the Military Bowl and abundant "Thanks, Ralph" signs in the crowd at RFK. He also got one of the greatest sympathy endorsements of his situation at Maryland ever from the official Bullshit Certifier of Our Plane of Existence, Rich Brooks.
Mike Wise also calls bullshit, if not for the firing then at least for interviewing Leach before the corpse of the Friedgen regime was cold. Everyone's sort of forgetting just how mediocre-to-bad Maryland looked at least every other year under Friedgen, and that winning the Coach of the Year is mostly a comment on your deviation from your normal record, but that's not a matter of focus in the eulogy season. HE WAS GREAT HOW DARE YOU FIRE HIM*
JUSTIN BLACKMON APPRECIATES YOUR COVER ZERO. We've never seen anyone as open on a non-trick play as Justin Blackmon was last night on his 71 yard bomb of TD reception in the Alamo Bowl last night, nor seen a corner turn loose a receiver into a non-existent Cover 2 with such absolute confidence. It was like watching someone step into an open elevator shaft without looking, and just as fascinating/horrifying to watch, a simile you can apply to most of the game as a whole. Arizona went through each motion with confidence, verve, and often disastrous results, and if that isn't Mike Stoops football we don't know what is.
THE MYSTERY CREW TO BE UNVEILED. Will Muschamp will allegedly have most of his staff assembled by Tuesday, at which point the rites of passage to enter the blood cult of the TEMPLE OF BOOM will begin. Ripping the beating heart out of a man's chest isn't normal, but on Muschamp Football it is. A few positions could take a while to shake out, however, a tip likely indicating assistants currently engaged in BCS games. The recruiters should be in plac by then, as Tuesday marks the end of the holiday no-contact period, and mmm it's cold let's cuddle, recruits.
DON'T ASK HARBAUGH CAUSE HE AIN'T SAID SHIT. The concatenation of coaching departures and arrivals could get very, very hectic if Rich Rodriguez is fired at Michigan, but Jim Harbaugh ain't saying shit about anything but Stanford. The closer it gets to January 1st, the more it just feels like Rich Rodriguez is getting shitcanned, thus throwing the college football labor market into another round of do-si-do and promenades. Did you get tired of "Why don't we hire Jon Gruden?" TOO BAD INTERNET. Harbaugh isn't the only answer, but he's certainly not second on anyone's list.
RIP, INTERESTING OFFENSE. Tommy Tuberville's slow purge of the Air Raid continues. This process is all leading to Tommy Tuberville's ultimate goal of winning a game 2-0. It may take twenty years, but he's got nothing but time out in Lubbock.
LIKE MOST INTERNET CAMPAIGNS, THIS ONE DIDN'T WORK EITHER. If you're going to post on Facebook at halftime, at least do it in a manner that doesn't seem laughable given the results of the game. (NC State fans clicking "likes this" afterwards, though? Excellent form.)
BUCKS SAVING BUCKS SAVING BUCKS HHAHAHA GET IT-- Ohio State is daring to fly coach in order to make bowl-going a more profitable venture for the school. Delany approves, even if you could be just taking the noble Greyhound to games and save even more money for yourselves while meeting some of the most interesting fine Americans you'll ever run into (on a bus) (fresh from prison.) #TheBigTenIsCheap #DelanyfliesAirTranOffPeakOnly
GENE CHIZIK HAS LEATHER JACKET FEVER. Don't blame Florida, y'all. If Tim Gunn can wear an ill-advised leather jacket, it's a mistake without geographic blame, even in Chizik's case.
HURR FUTBAL IS 4 TEH DUMBZ. Yup. A sport of the illiterate and violent.