Christmas time. Your television.
Craig James: You! Your Christmas is going great, but do you want it to go greaterer? Do you want to do Jesus birthday right? Do you not do Jesus birthday? Why not? Don't you believe in Jesus? Katy Perry, don't you believe in Jesus?
Katy Perry: Presents! Who are you?
Craig James: Ha ha that is a good question, Kately. I'm Craig James, football star and television personality.
Katy Perry: You played basketball? I LOVE BASKETBALL.
Craig James: That's right, Cary. And I also love Christmas.
Katy: I love it too! My husband got me a special gift for Christmas!
[Perry begins squirting whipped cream from her boob-cannons]
Craig James: WOOO! Hey, Katy, stop it! You're gonna get whipped cream all over our presents here!
Perry: But it's not whipped cream!
Craig James: Then what is it?
[Silence. Staring.]
Craig James: I've got a Christmas album, and I think you're going to love it. Tell 'em about it, Carrie!
Katy Perry: It's called Cain Jaigs Christmas Shit!
Craig James: That's right, it's Craig James' Christmas Shed, a collection of my renditions of classic Christmas songs.
Katy Perry: You'll get songs like this!
Craig James begins to lip-sync in an abnormally deep voice that is obviously not his own.
Ohhh Christmas Shed, Ohhh Christmas Shed...
Thy floor it is so cozy
Ohhh Christmas Shed, Ohhh Christmas
To lawyer's rooms we'll mozy...
A family source, a pic we'll send
A coach's reign is what we'll end
Ohhh Christmas Shed, Ohhh Christmas Shed
A copter dad is nosy.
Katy Perry: That's aflazing!
Craig James: There's more! Take our version of Carol of the Shed, featuring my son and budding R 'n B star Adam James!
Hark how your head
locked in the shed
It seems to say
practice is gay...
Craig James: Because it is!
Katy Perry: And then there's this song!
Ding dong merrily on head
in brain the bells are ringing
ding dong merrily the shed
is riv'n with cartoon bluebirds singing
Craig James: I do love those bluebirds! What'd you get for Christmas, Katy?
Katy Perry: My husband gave me burpees!
Craig James: That's great! Here's another one of my favorites.
Craig James now begins to lipsync again, but in a high-pitched voice, as if he had just inhaled helium.
God Rest Ye, Lazy Scout-Teamer
Fear nothing you see here,
You'll persevere and triumph
With two catches on the year...
Katy Perry: What's a scart teeen?
James: Kandy, what are some of your favorite holiday songs?
Perry: I LUG CANDY!
James: Here's another of my favorites!
[to the tune of "Christmas in Hollis"]
It's Christmas-Time
In Dallas Texas
I'm punching hoboes
in the solar plexus
Perry: I don't know what you're saying!
James: I don't, unless you like the idea of me beating homeless people! Whatever gets me elected!
Perry: Beating homeless people is Crickmas to me!
James: Me too, unless it's not! Whatever you like! This collection will give your family the gift of Christmas spirit in song after song taken from our personal James family collection. You'll get classics like these!
Red Raider's Head Carol
Into The Shed, Adam Isabella
SHED! The Herald Angels Sing ("It's cool in here and we have XBox")
All I Want For Christmas Is A State Senate Seat
Mike Patrick Touched Me On The Upper Leg Under The Misteltoe And I'm Filing Suit
I Heard The Shed On ESPN Gameday
Come Thou Long Expected Lawsuit
James: ...and so much more! Order now and you'll get your own Christmas Village piece custom made especially for the season.
Perry: It's like a little house made of little house parts! Who's that?
James: That little guy? Why, he goes right in the James Family Christmas Shed, where all happy holiday memories reside!
Perry: [picks up figurine and eats it.] YUM!
Announcer: A spectacular like this would normally sell for several dollars more than this, but for today and today only you can receive this special holiday offering for only ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY FIVE DOLLARS. That's right, ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY FIVE DOLLARS! Order now and receive the free Craig James Christmas Shed with Figurines and a Craig James Spiritual Warfare Workout DVD! Get Pony Power In just a half hour a day!
[PONY POWER NOISE OF WHINNYING. Picture of Craig James in neon green tank top giving a thumbs up.]
OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY!
James: In a shed!
Perry: [SHOOTS MYSTERY GOO FROM BOOB CANNONS AND LAUGHS]
Happy Holidays from EDSBS.
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