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CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? Joe Paterno in the world's worst cellphone ad ever. We'd make the requisite jokes about Joe Paterno being deaf as a stump, but a.) he really is deaf as hell, and b.) it could very well be AT&T's fault.

(via sbbflicks)

There's an Up reference in there, mostly to remind you that Joe Paterno's retirement will really be him and Sue ballooning it all the way to Paradise Falls with Jay Paterno the talking dog. 

HAWKHIGGGGHHHHS. Iowa is waiting on the hammer to fall in whatever the fallout will be from a rash of positive drug tests on the team. Jewel Hampton is already off the team for good and transferring, and Brandon Wegher Adam Robinson is suspended for the bowl game as of yesterday, but the number of players who are going to be suspended for the game will be substantial at the least and spectacular at the most. Thanks for breaking up our universal theory of team highness equalling performance, Hawkeyes. 

TAKE TWO. No, really, this time James Franklin is going to be the head coach at Vanderbilt, thus opening up the Head-Coach-In-Waiting position at Maryland. We can't blame the Post here, since circumstances with the Vandy hire were so close to Malzahn taking the position if some contract bickering hadn't undone the deal. (The conflict was allegedly over guaranteed money versus incentives, a structuring leading to the $3 mil number you heard thrown around this week.)

AGAIN, REALLY, TAKE TWO. Major Applewhite is not coming to Florida after he was coming to Florida; Kirby Smart, the pick for DC, isn't tipping his hand to anyone involved. Current Florida DC Teryl Austin may be headed to Texas, and we have no idea how good or bad this is given the dismal situations Florida was put in time and time again on defense by our kneecapped Divemaster's Special of an offense.

NOTHING IS GOING ON HERE UNLESS SOMETHING IS GOING ON. Smoking Musket said last night that Bill Stewart was retiring at the end of the season following the bowl game, something West Virginia denied almost immediately in official and non-official channels, but the chatter surrounding Dana Holgorsen coming to the program as either the HCIW or just taking Stewart's job at the end of the year is persistent and widespread. It is also West Virginia, where Stewart himself was hired at the bar after a bowl game, so anything is possible and probable. 

THE BIG TEN'S FOCUS GROUPS NEED TO BE SHOT AND SET ON FIRE AND THEN SHOT AGAIN. Brian insists the Successories Conference and their divisions never happened; Hinton has the awards they should have created, but goddamn, LOOK AT THAT PICTURE OF SPIELMAN LADIES YOU ARE ALL NOW PREGNANT AND HAPPIER THAN YOU HAVE EVER BEEN.