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HEY LOOKIT, we found a wire photo with Duke football fans in it!
HEY LOOKIT, we found a wire photo with Duke football fans in it!

Look, if our team had strung together two wins in a row, beaten Navy and hung 55 on a conference rival after six straight losses, we'd probably be in this same position:

The Duke student newspaper, The Chronicle, reports the teenager was found unconscious in a portable toilet following tailgate festivities before last Saturday's game against Virgina. The paper described the teen as the sibling of a Duke student.

But such things just won't do, and Duke is CRACKING DOWN on the NAUGHTY RAKES with their pointy Blue Devil switchin' sticks. This is unimportant. The takeaway from all this is the part where we get to read the tailgating guidelines that were already in place before this even happened (emphasis added, for molto contempt of their strange ways):

According to tailgating guidelines posted on the university's website, last Saturday's tailgating festivities ran from 9 to 11:30 a.m. The game against Virginia began at noon.

A DukeCard is required to get into the tailgating area and each cardholder is allowed one guest.

According to the guidelines, student groups are limited to 30 cases of beer per group or nine cases per vehicle. Individuals walking into the tailgate zone are limited to a six pack of beer and must provide identification.
Standing or sitting on top of cars is prohibited.

The guidelines specify minor and major violations. A major violation, the guidelines state, include throwing beer cans or standing on top of cars.

We're happy to announce we'll be forming an exploratory committee for a pilot host family program that will send underprivileged Duke undergrads to proper pregame festivities and show them what they're missing while they're off getting a real education.

It's a need-based scholarship. The need not to be raised like a fucking asshole. Down here in our ivory towers stuffed with tow-hitch grills and daiquiri makers hooked up to lawnmover engines, it's so easy to forget the less fortunate. Please give.