THIS IS MOSTLY ACCURATE EXCEPT THE SNOWMAN STILL HAD A TORSO.
Everything you're going to read after this video of a man tackling a snowman in honor of Auburn's astonishing comeback in the Iron Bowl is about coaches getting fired, because shit that got out of hand quickly over the weekend.
IN ORDER: HELLO, MIAMI. Randy Shannon's never going to get fired, and Donna Shalala has his back forever, and there he goes over the side, not waving but drowning. The obvious first shot here is the much-rumored Jon Gruden overtures, since Gruden is loud, won a Super Bowl, and already has some form of severe sun damage from his days coaching in Tampa Bay. (No break-in period needed for sun poisoning.) Gruden has done what he has done to every rumor involving him and a college position over the past five years: denied it.
Andy Staples says keep Charlie Strong in mind, but usually hiring two dudes who were both defensive coordinators and, yes, who happened to be African-American is not the pattern people follow in hiring. It will likely go to an offensive guy or CEO type with prior head coaching experience of some sort, which is why the persistent Jon Gruden rumors lead THIS GUY to believe it's entirely plausible it could happen. (Strong is also extremely loyal to Louisville for giving him his first chance after a decade of frustration, so he won't leave after one year.) If not Gruden, then we know someone with a proven track record in both South Florida recruiting, program rebuilding, and pioneering work in suspender tension testing.
SCHNELLY MIGHT WOBBLE BUT HE DON'T FALL DOWN OKAY SOMETIMES HE DOES.
Lastly, Uncle Luke wants to hire Gruden, Mike Leach, Tommy Tuberville, Trooper Taylor, or Dennis Erickson. We endorse four of these five hires, because four of them are terrible, terrible ideas. KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THE PIRATE.
HOUSTON NUTT ISN'T GOING SOMEWHERE UNTIL HE DOES. A mention of a cryptic conference with his players fueled "Houston Nutt to Colorado" and "Houston Nutt to [anywhere, really]" rumors that Sprints thinks are unlikely, unless they're likely, and if Ole Miss and Houston Nutt are involved you just do what most intelligent people do: wait safely behind the plexiglass and see if something blows up. After the firing of David Cutcliffe after one bad season and the hiring of Ed Orgeron, Ole Miss as an institution is precisely what you believe it to be: beautiful, nice rack, well-groomed, and beneath it all as liquor-snorting insane as their neighbors.
THE MALZAHN WATCH BEGINS. Gus Malzahn is leaving Auburn after this year. The question is now merely where he's going: Minnesota, which is still open, Indiana (newly open with the firing of Bill Lynch this weekend OH PLZ HIRE ADDAZIO,) or Vanderbilt, the school which does have him first on their list of possible candidates. You may think this is beneath Malzahn and a doomed proposition, but Malzahn wants out of AU as soon as possible. Vandy is entirely possible and plausible here.
EACH YEAR THEY WILL PLAY THEIR NATURAL GEOGRAPHIC RIVAL, SYRACUSE. TCU has accepted a bid to join the Big East full time in 2012-2013, per FanHouse. THINGS NEED TO STOP HAPPENING THIS IS ALL SO FAST.
OH AND REBUILDING ETC MRUPBDKSLDFBLKNGSD. Urban Meyer says he's going to go fix the program through recruiting, which we hope means "throwing my offensive coordinator out of a moving train onto a bed of punji sticks."
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