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JOE PATERNO VOWS TO OUTLIVE NATION OF NORTH KOREA

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Joe Paterno will be back for 2011, not because anyone really asked, but because he wants to continue his quest to outlive the nation of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.This is not an exaggeration: the DPRK, feisty as they have been in the past 48 hours, might die or be absorbed into South Korea before Joe Pa hits the dirt.

He's already outlived the following countries' entire lifespans (either in name or in territorial existence.)

  • East Pakistan. "More like East Pakistan't"
  • Zaire. "From one dictator to another: suck it, Mobutu!"
  • The French Fourth Republic: "De Gaune, buddy."
  • Free Territory of Trieste. "Again, you were conquered by Italians after the Roman Empire. No pity."
  • French Somaliland. "Italian Somaliland outlasted you, meaning you clearly deserved it."
  • Tanganyika. "Tangany-GUHHHH is more like it."
  • Senegambia. "As bad a dual-role player as John Brantley, option qb."
  • West Indies Federation. "Native Americans never could get it together."
  • Tatarstan: "You and your sauce are both abject failures." 

Our money, for the record, is on Paterno outliving the DPRK.