In which we reward the highlights and lesser luminaries of the weekend.
SUPERSTAR! Andrew Luck, straight bitchslapping a Cal defender in our favorite hit of the weekend:
TAKE TURNS! Cal's freakish home-road splits took the night off from being more or less accurate to allow the Golden Bears a thorough manhandling in the ungentle embrace of Stanford.
TEACHER'S PET! Matt Barkley's ankle sprain means Mitch Mustain may, given the right combination of unfortunate circumstances, get the starting nod against Notre Dame and UCLA. While we find this hilarious on multiple obvious levels, we would like to go on record as cheering for the Trojans to beat two hated rivals with a second-string punter under center, for maximum madhousery.
BUSY BEES! Clearly morning the very imminent demise of the WAC, Cincinnati, South Carolina, Central Florida, and Rice (wait, what?) ran the score up over 60 in Week 12.
YOU TRIED! Stephen Morris, fledgling Miami quarterback making his third start against Virginia Tech, who wasn't actually doing all that badly before throwing three consecutive interceptions on the Hurricanes' final three possessions and clinching the division for the Hokies.
Nick Fairley, who AS FAR AS WE KNOW didn't injure anybody with a football helmet on Saturday Texas, who beat FAU, yes but gave us a 7-7 first quarter to really think about what would happen if they didn't.
ADEQUATE! Field conditions at Wrigley, where no wee footballers were harmed by leafy tumbling mats, although we wonder whether this was a touchdown celebration or an attempt by a vigilant teammate to avert a crash into the endzone wall.
CREATIVE! Jeremiah Masoli, ending the Ole Miss-LSU game as he began it, with a horrendously ill-timed, momentum-shattering interception. The symmetry is breathtaking, no?
SIT STILL! Alabama, believe it or not by the boxscore, sort of had to fall over themselves to only beat hatchling Georgia State 63-7. No, we're serious. That was accomplished about as graciously as it could've been. We're as surprised as you are.
I BUMPED MY HEAD! Tommy Tuberville. Look, it's Weber State, and this year's Red Raiders could use a feel-good win, but the question remains: what business does any team of his have scoring 64 on anyone?
GOOD HELPER! Hey, check it out, Dan Hawkins! Since your unceremonious ousting, the Buffaloes have beaten two opponents whose 2010 iterations may very well have flattened them (Iowa State and now K-State). Thanks, pal!
HAND UP! Awww, c'mere, Carl Pelini. You look like you could use a hug -- WAIT NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING MY FACE MY FAAAAACE
JAUNTY POSSUMDRAGON! We didn't actually see a single minute of Pitt vs. South Florida this week, so perhaps some of you could fill us in. There have been bad games and worse games this batshit season, but we haven't seen this much vitriol directed at the quality of playing and coaching in a single game since Baby I'm Burnin'.
GRAPE JOB! Carl Moore, ejected from Florida's Week 12 game for fighting. Florida's Week 12 opponent was Appalachian State. Also, it was Senior Day. We have nothing to add.