HE'S STILL ON THE TEAM NOW SETTLE DOWN. Despite getting the finest of Pelini treatments on the sideline in a very public fashion, Taylor Martinez is still on the Nebraska Cornhuskers' football team according to Joe Schad.*
Carl Pelini also attacked a camera after the 9-6 loss in College Station, clearly ignoring the warnings of wildlife experts who have said time and time again that only two things raise the murderous interest of a wild Carl Pelini: camera lights and the urine of a fertile female. The University Chancellor has said publicly that these do not reflect well on the university, but when the piles of dead hookers and hobos grow tall in desolate fields outside of Lincoln, you'll realize the Pelinis have chosen the healthiest outlet for their Dark Passengers in football rage.
*Confirmed by Joe Schad, via Joe Schad's Joe Schad.
THEY FEEL NORMAL TO ME, THOUGH I'M NOT A DOCTOR. Your testicles appear to be descended, normal, and devoid of any suspicious swelling. Love, Texas A&M Male Health Collective. The real molestation in this game was the officiating, which you may know by now by its infamous 16-2 split in penalties against Nebraska. Penalties aside, Nebraska scored six points. As bad as the officiating was--and it was as bad as it can get, and as lopsided as any game not blatantly fixed can be--six points, man. Six meager points. If you score A touchdown, one singular touchdown, then the bad officiating is noxious only in the academic sense.
LET'S ALL BE POSITIVE. End on a high note! Be positive! FIRE ADDAZIO. (The photo of defensive tackle Gary Beemer after his Senior Day TD is actually fairly giggleworthy there.) We're now on to FSU week, an entire week dedicated to eating turkey, reflecting on the good things that happened to us this year, and to mocking the school that would buy recruits if recruits took payment in EBT cards.
THE BALLOON CAMINAL. It takes a minute to see it, but it's there (at least until the needle of ineligibility pops the whole mess in one go.)
HALLO NEVADA. We're writing a bit more about this later, but if Boise State fails to jump TCU in the BCS standings after a hypothetical win over Nevada (and that's no mean feat this year,) we'll go ahead and happily blame the 10:15 p.m. kickoff for the game, since the chances of old sportswriters actually making it to the 1:00 a.m EDT finale are negligible.
THAT IS THE PUNCHLINE: MIAMI FANS IN JUAREZ. Miami fans going to the Sun Bowl. Oh, we might have to see this in person.
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