We asked Chip Kelly, noted football coach and amateur script doctor, to rewrite six movie classics. HIs response follows.
Goldfinger, 1964
Actual ending: Bond kills Oddjob with high voltage, defuses bomb, saves gold in Fort Knox.
Chip Kelly rewrites: Bond shoots middle finger at Oddjob, runs to bomb, slides counter forward to detonate, rides radioactive steam jet buffeting the impact between him and explosion through roof the roof of Fort Knox. Shoots into passenger seat of Cessna flown by Pussy Galore, makes love to her and completes mutual satisfaction in fewer than four plays and 57 seconds. Lands plane, rents fleet of dump trucks. They drive while making love and driving to the drainage ditch where molten gold is flowing from the melted stores at Fort Knox. Bond catches the gold, dumps Pussy Galore, and lives by himself on his private rich man island called Poondollar-On-Biscayne in Miami. He eats lobster naked all the time. FADE OUT.
The Dark Knight, 2008
Actual ending: Batman takes the blame for Harvey Dent's death, and flees to save Dent's reputation.
Chip Kelly rewrite: Just Batman beating the shit out of the Joker for two hours, including thirty minutes of testicle kicking. It ends when the Joker finally dies, and Batman realized he's let Rachel Dawes die. He walks to the warehouse where the fire rages and through the flames. She's unharmed and sitting in a chair, but still sort of on fire
She says. "What took you so long?"
He says--wait for it, this is awesome--"I had some joker to take care of."
She says, "I bet he was wild."
And he says:
"Not as wild as me, baby."
Then they have the hard sexes.
Taken, 2008
Actual ending: Liam Neeson shoots the evil Saudi prince who has purchased his daughter.
Chip Kelly rewrite: Liam Neeson shoots the evil Saudi prince who has purchased his daughter for thirty minutes straight.
There Will Be Blood, 2007
Actual Ending: Daniel Plainview murders Eli with a bowling pin, says "I'm finished."
Chip Kelly rewrite: My version's shorter. The title is changed to "There's Blood," and Daniel Plainview's name is Painview, because that's what you see when he's around. No waiting in my version. Some hobo asks him for money and he beats him to death with a bowling pin. Oil workers stop working and demand more money, and he says "I'll show you a strike!" and beats them all to death with the bowling pin.
He makes hard love to the bowling pin one night. He and the bowling pin have ten bowling pin children. You know they are his children because they're bowling pins with mustaches. Some preacher asks him for cash, and he's like "SPARE me, pal!" and beats him to death with a bowling pin. He and the bowling pins go to Las Vegas for their 21st birthday and all win a lot of money at the blackjack table with a special cameo by RICH BROOKS, playing the part here I've written for him. He's THE CASHMASTER, and he ends the film when they're all sitting there at the tables by toasting the screen and saying "He's finished."
We then turn on a shot of Daniel Painview winning like five hundred grand on a double down, smiling, and smashing the camera with his bowling pin.
Million Dollar Baby, 2004
Actual Ending: Clint Eastwood euthanizes Hillary Swank's paralyzed boxer in the hospital.
Chip Kelly rewrite: Clint knows what's going to happen so he chokes her in the first thirty seconds of the film. Then he and Morgan Freeman go have a nice lunch at a place doing trivia. They win all the gift certificates and bar tabs and don't share them with anyone. FIN.
Hard Ticket To Hawaii, 1987
Chip Kelly rewrite: Nothing changing anything here is foolish and pointless.