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THE INJURY REPORT, WEEK ELEVEN

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CHRIS RIX, FLORIDA STATE: Elbow, Rix's Palsy. Questionable.

NICK FOLES, ARIZONA: Bruised follicles.

NOEL DEVINE: Out indefinitely with BILL STEWART

TRENT RICHARDSON: Sore knee from dragging massive testicles around. Will be fine for gametime, and can still squat a rusted out Buick. 

JEFF DEMPS: Foot soreness and blown ass-rocket. Ass-rockets to be replaced on Thursday.  

CAM NEWTON, AUBURN: [PRE-EMPTIVELY VACATED] 

RYAN PUGH, AUBURN: More of a warning, really. Hope you're insured, Justin Houston.

PHILLIP LUTZENKIRCHEN, AUBURN: Sturm-und-Drang. Will play.

DAVID SHINSKIE, BOSTON COLLEGE: Concussion, but innovative Gary Tranquill bleeding treatments should fix him up right quick just like it did in nineteen aught five.

ZACH COLLAROS, CINCINNATI: Out with animal abuse, since he is a defenseless beast thrashed within an inch of his life and has been all season.

DAN HAWKINS, COLORADO: Questionable due to prolonged visionquest.

ADAM ROBINSON, IOWA: The injury report literally reads "Questionable: Head." THE LADIES OF IOWA CITY FILE THEIR TEETH OMG.

DEREK LOCKE, KENTUCKY: Equine Colic (all doctors in Kentucky are also veterinarians and are very drunk.)

THE RUTGERS SCARLET KNIGHTS, ACCORDING TO A LOCAL JERSEY TOLLBOOTH OPERATOR: "Done due to total gayness GO GIANTS!"

HERMAN LATHERS, TENNESSEE: Rickets.

CHRIS TODD, AUBURN: Knee

T-BOB HEBERT, LSU: Doubtful; lingering effects of paternally-transmitted Fetal Alcohol Syndrome*

JACORY HARRIS, MIAMI: Questionable due to swagromegaly.

DENARD ROBINSON, MICHIGAN. Questionable, again due to "HEAD." LADIES OF THE BIG TEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO THE YOUNG WARRIOR-POETS OF YOUR CONFERENCE?

JEREMIAH MASOLI, MISSISSIPPI. Questionable; concussion. Jevan Snead can play in his place just in case he can't go, since he's not busy or anything.

TAYLOR MARTINEZ, NEBRASKA. Doubtful, Leg. Can rush for 85 yards on one if needed.

THE UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA TARHEELS. Everyone; questionable. Still favored over VT by three.

NATE COSTA, OREGON: Done for career with chain-reactive exploding knee. :(

GARRETT GILBERT, TEXAS. Out; currently being garroted by a dead-eyed Greg Davis in a culvert fifteen miles outside of Austin.**

WILL SHAMBURGER, WASHINGTON. Questionable; Concussion. Your false meatiness angered opponents, and deservedly so, Mr. Shamburger.

*We kid. If alcohol could kill children in Louisiana, the state would be empty.

**Double kid! The worst thing Davis can do to him if he hates him is to keep letting him play.