EDSBS'S BEST IN CLASS: WEEK 9

BUSY BEE!  West Virginia had to really work at it to lose to a hard-luck UConn team Friday night; fortunately, they're quite adept at fumbling (seven times; four lost). Honorable mention: Miami's five-interception performance against UVA that the 'Canes still almost converted to a comeback win.

HAND UP!  Duke is very eager for you to know they beat Navy. UTEP would like to point out their four-point loss to Marshall. Both of these games were schemed solely to baffle and irritate us and upset our notions of a proper order to things.

  SUPERSTAR! More than a handful of fine performances this week, but we happened to be assigned to Mizzou-Nebraska Saturday afternoon, and would like to thank Roy Helu, this week's Cam Newtron Star recipient, and his rapidly-whirring, 307-yard-gaining feet for making us not at all sorry to have been assigned to Mizzou-Nebraska.

ADEQUATE! Boise State's 29-point win over LaTech last week, good for a one-spot drop in the overall BCS standings. Also notable: Illinois' 34-point margin of victory over an alleged Big Ten team no one seems to ever have heard of.

  SIT STILL! Boston College, proud owner of the weekend's most depressing, stultifying winning box score:

Honorable mention: UNC, who piddled around aimlessly for three full quarters before mounting a two-touchdown comeback to surmount William & Mary (WILLIAM & MARY).

TEACHER'S PET! Cam "Cameron" Newton, who's just an angel.

  IMPROVING! You guys, UCF just walloped East Carolina, leads the C-USA East, and is 6-2 overall. We are uncomfortable. See also: Stephen Garcia's hair, which is proving once again to be a bottomless well of strength once visible curling from beneath his helmet. He never looked natural with a short cut.

  YOU TRIED! Christian Ponder, who suffers the continued misfortune of being a preternaturally talented player mired in Tallahassee. So used were we to see him winning games all by his lonesome last year that it was a bit of a system shock, even to our anti-'Nole editorial stance, to see him lose one. We felt real human pangs of horror over this.

  GOOD HELPER! Syracuse, who's doing just one thing this year, and doing it very well.

  CREATIVE! Iowa didn't need much in the way of chicanery (or, like, football) to beat Michigan State, but Tyler Sash's interception +  lateral for a Family Circus serpentine touchdown kept the audience locked in. Runner-up honors to Jeff Maehl's catch in the Coliseum.

  TAKE TURNS! Oregon, who graciously spotted USC a couple of slim leads before flipping their hair, casually examining their nails, and bearing down on the throttle.

I BUMPED MY HEAD! They hand these out in schools nowadays to kids who've taken nasty playground falls so teachers can watch for signs of concussin' and brain damage, and oh, Michigan, you're just a hot mess that can't hang on to the monkey bars. Three straight conference losses and we're left with legitimate cause to wonder whether they'll get past Illinois unscathed, let alone the season-ending horrorshow tandem of Wisconsin and Ohio State.

  THE JAUNTY POSSUMDRAGON! EDSBS's alternately dubious and glorious honor is awarded to Will Hill, who was going to be the cover of the magazine yesterday, just his face and the headline, "BOO.", only we couldn't get a good closeup from Getty.

  GRAPE JOB! We're just going to state this and get out of its way: Maryland scored 62 points on Saturday. On Wake Forest, but that hardly seems to matter, because MARYLAND SCORED 62 POINTS ON SATURDAY. We do not understand the world or anything in it.

[HT: Fesser, for the fine concussion warning label.]