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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 10/5/2010

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By Spencer Hall
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CAN WE GET SOME RESPECT HERE? 

Chip Kelly is just dominance in all directions right now, but what we really want is a shot of him shushing the Oregon Duck into submission Dog Whisperer style. I'm calm, my shoulders are back, I'm displaying dominance...[QUACK] [CHIP KELLY bats him into a corner with a tennis racket.] You could do the same thing with Jim Harbaugh, but that would be redundant with what happened in Eugene on Saturday night. Fines are the price you pay for being awesome in life, which is how we've justified all our public intox and loitering tickets. 

YOU NEED TO SAY YOU KILLED HIM YOURSELF, BUTCH. The UNC case becomes filthier and filthier, and Butch Davis takes stronger and stronger tones towards the guy he invited onto his staff in the first place. The progression, in case you missed it: 

 

  • Fired Blake
  • Said he regrets ever trusting him
  • Takes him back
  • Finds him cheating again with a white woman
  • Burns his things
  • Goes to church, gets right with God
  • Dates blue-collar dude who is in fact a male model on the side
  • Gets promotion
  • Laughs at wacky, violent, and homespun grandmother who is in fact a man in drag 
  • HAPPINESS AND SUNSHINE ANDERSON-ACCOMPANIED OUTRO
This may also be the plot of a Tyler Perry movie, but it's all going to happen, just watch. 

LET'S ALL GET PRE-EMPTIVELY HYSTERICAL. The Doomsday scenarios for coaching in the SEC and Big 12 all center around Will Muschamp, the most desired head coaching commodity to never coach a single game as a head coach in all of football, which is why you can go ahead and begin making the Mack Brown-will-retire-to-keep-Muschamp rumors flow in the first week of October. Mark Richt won't be fired after one bad year, because UGA is not Auburn. (See what we did there? The implicit sandwiching of one rival in with another rival to make whatever they do awful, i.e. "Fire Richt and you are the perpetual banana republic that is Auburn's administration," or "Keep Richt and stay kind of milquetoasty and easily beatable year in and year out?" THAT'S CRAFT, PEOPLE.)
 
SORRY ABOUT THAT.  Florida's team wasn't the only thing that got its ass kicked in Tuscaloosa this weekend. Pictures of bloody pillows? Yes, pictures of bloody pillows. Teamwise, Jeff Demps and Mike Gillislee are both dinged for the LSU game, meaning Steve Addazio will have to struggle to find an even smaller running back to drive directly into the teeth of an oncoming defense. If Danny Woodhead still has any eligibility, he would like to speak to him. 

MAKING FRIENDS ALREADY. Well, this is an auspicious beginning for Tommy Tuberville. 

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